So I will be a bit vague here but for the last day or so I am in cycle of reoccuring feelings and they aren't good or healthy.  I have a deep desire in my heart and being for certain relationships in my life to be different then they are.  This is something that I have struggled with for years.  As an only child and someone who really thrives and gets a lot out of her personal relationships I am very dependent on others-and its not a good thing to tell you the truth.  I have a few relationships in my life-some friendships some familial that I wish were different then they are.  Growing up I had a picture in my head of what my adult friendships and family life would look like and things are very different then that now.  Most times I just realize that I had unrealisitc expectations for those relationships even before they began---almost in the same way I had these idealized versions of marriage and motherhood.  Most times I just tell myself to deal and move on. Other times that longing for something that will never be rests in my heart.  

For me I felt that creeping in lately.  Maybe it was the passing of my grandmother last week (I may post about that later if and when I am ready) and seeing how my dad's brothers struggle to get along that I started to realize that adult relationships are hard.  Familial relationships are hard.  For me as an only child I have always wanted these deep connections to others because I felt that I missed them being an only child and also not having a ton of family because my mom was also an only child.  I think that for me that set me up for failure.  This wanting deep connected relationships with family in particular that I don't really have.  This is in no way suggesting that I am having issues in my family or with my friends--its just I sometimes wish I was closer with some of my family and friends but I don't think those relationships are really meant to be.   I feel that sometimes I try and force a connection that isn't there or get upset when I feel people don't return my "love".  I take things very personally I always have.  What I think I need to focus on is what I do have rather than what I don't have.  I think for me the loss of my dad and then my gram this week has made me realize that I don't really have a lot of these deep connections with family or friends.  Don't get me wrong I do have some great family and some amazing close friends who are like family-but I think I am noticing or wishing there were more.  Perhaps the focus should be on continuing to deepen connections I want and to focus my attention on the good relationships I do have.  I have to realize that some things are out of my control and what I can control is my emotional response to things.  Ok-Ramble done-I just needed to process a bit of this.