As I talk a lot of my loss and my children's loss I often don't talk about those other's who lost someone when my dad died.  My uncle's lost a brother, My grandmother lost another son, my godfather lost his childhood friend and cousin, my "aunt's and Uncle's" lost a friend, and my husband lost his other dad.

My husband lost his partner in crime when on vacation with my parents.  He lost the man to hang out with and talk about nothing with, he lost the loving go to caretaker of his children, he lost the man who would always spoil his Son in law at Christmas and Birthday's with fun Christmas gifts not practical gifts and clothes.  He lost a lot....we all did.

In the past few months I have leaned heavily on my husband-something that I haven't been that good at.  Ever since his struggle with depression began I have really run the show (in the beginning by necessity and once healthy by choice)...especially these last two and half years that he was going back to school.  My father died right at the height of my husband's final set of classes for his masters.  He was always there.  Sometimes in the background silently he would be the support we all need, sometimes he was only parent because all I was was a body sitting there.  I wasn't there, I was checked out.  He was there the day my dad died as I screamed and sobbed and just held me up when I couldn't stand.  He walked my mother and I through picking a casket and planning a funeral.  He helped the kids deal with their grief knowing all to well what it is like to loose a loving grandparent too soon.  He did this all while dealing with his own loss and his constant struggle with depression

A lot of people who haven't walked the walk with a loved one having mental illness don't know what a delicate balance life is when someone is working every day for their mental health.  People think...oh they are fine now so everything is fine everyday.  People don't get that my husband works everyday on his health and sometimes that is easier than others.  Yet, during these last nine months he has figured out how to manage his depression while living in a home filled with grief and sadness.  Anyone who struggles with Depression knows that it is very hard to be around negativity and sadness and not have it affect you.  

I think people looking from the outside of my life, even my closest of friends don't see or know what it has been like in our house.  I put on a good face...all the time.  It looks like it always has....me running the show Ryan doing his thing.  Even friends might hear a complaint about "ugh my hubby did this" but that is force of habit and what wives do.  

I don't go around saying...."hey guess what my husband did....He helped my daughter who was hysterical and crying for her grandpa while I closed my self in the bathroom and cried because I couldn't handle it."  Those stories of of him being the rock around here don't get told because to tell them means I show how messed up things were and sometimes still are.

It is hard for a girl like me who typically makes all the decisions in this house for me and for the kids to be so overwhelmed that I can't make decisions.   Ryan has stepped up, quietly without my asking, to take the lead when I couldn't.  This wasn't a comfortable place for him or for me but we have figured out this new step in our relationship.  

As I am coming up on my 11th anniversary with Ryan I thought it was time to say out loud (or at least online) how much his love and support have meant.  Thankfully he has been here for all the good years and is walking with me as I find my way out of this shit hole called grief.   I am thankful that despite being the other one who lost my dad he  have been able to stand next to me holding me up when I couldn't.  

Love you Schmoopy-Happy Anniversary I will forever be grateful for your love and support!

I am blown away that today will mark six months since my dad died.  Six months since I was sitting in my desk watching my student teacher teach and then getting a text from my mom.  I remember every single second of that next three hours.  Every moment of that hour drive to the hospital, the moment I realized I was walking into a chapel and not a hospital room, and seeing my dad at the hospital.  Every single second-I remember.  I wish I didn't.  

So it blows my mind how it has been six months worth of seconds since that day.  It amazes me how in one breath six months feels like six seconds and on the inhale and six years by the exhale.  Some days it feels so fresh and new that I can't even bear it. Then other days it feels like years since this happened.  

Six months.....the longest I have ever gone without seeing my dad was the first six weeks of college when I made him promise he wouldn't come get me no matter how homesick I was.  The longest I have ever gone without talking to him-maybe a week.  Since I had the kids the longest I have gone without seeing him was the week I was in Florida last year at this time.  Now six months has gone by.  Half a year.  

Part of me wonders if it should hurt less by now.  That is shouldn't take my breath away when I realize he is gone or when I take a cute picture and go to send it to him and it hits me.  Then the other part of me doesn't want it to stop hurting like this.  For it to stop hurting means I am getting used to it.  I don't want to get used to it.  I want to scream and swear and cry just like I did when I rounded that corner and saw I was going into a chapel not a hospital room.  

Yet, I know He would be crushed to know how much life is just hard for us right now-all of us in our own way.  Then again he never would have left us had he the choice.  So just like he didn't have a choice to stay-I don't have a choice to keep going.  

My husband gave me his words of wisdom yesterday when I lost it and was crying.  I said it sucked.  He said no it doesn't suck it just is.  In a way to say that it sucks means to suggest that you can change it, or fix it.  This isn't something that can be changed it just is.  

Maybe I need to realize that this won't be about marking time since he left-maybe it will just be as a coworker said to me-The before and after.  Maybe that is easier to think about.