So I was going to start by apologizing for not blogging but guess what its my blog and I do what I want...Ok just kidding. I was a senior class and advisor and a teacher at the end of the school year....life stops lets be real here folks.
So last summer I spent most of my summer grieving. Not like sitting around weeping but finally allowing some of my new reality minus my dad to sit in. That also caused me to have a case of all the feels-in fact that still happens. Sometime after the holidays and after my birthday I started to wake up. Almost like I was walking around not 100% there for a year and half. Well as time marches on so does life. I started to realize the promise I made to myself the day my dad died wasn't actually happening. The day he died I was being driven home by Ryan, looking out the window at a beautiful sunset happening over my favorite farm on the ride home and swore to myself that I would not let my dad's sudden death ruin me. I wouldn't allow this to be the thing that crippled me, it wouldn't lead me to a life of bad behavior, it wouldn't be my excuse to be unhealthy it would be my motivation to life my life. Well what I realized a few months ago was I haven't really been living I have been surviving.
So lets be real-any parent of young children is in sort of survival mode in terms of their own well being. We do what we can when we can. Yet, when reflecting on my life since my dad's death I hadn't been doing as much as I could. I wasn't taking time for myself, I wasn't doing things I loved, I was experiencing life-I was going through the motions. Some of that was out of need that a lot of times emotions are still too overwhelming for me-but I owed myself and my dad's memory more.
So I promised myself as much as I could this summer-it would be the summer of ME! Not in a selfish-F-you to everyone else-but that I would work on me. I would do the things I had been putting off doing, I would do things I wanted to do-why because I wanted to do them, I would be the kind of mom I wanted to be, I would do things that scared me-why because I was alive to do them.
So this spring I started planning. I threw out my old planner and got one that I could bullet (look up bullet journals-life changing). I began by taking a sewing class shortly after my birthday. I have always wanted to quilt so I started with a basic class. Next week I will most likely be taking another and I am signing up to take an intro to sewing class in August! I am even buying a sewing machine as soon as it gets instock!
Next thing was I promised myself I would begin to take care of my health a bit more. We all know that is a sore spot with me. I realized I need to work on being ok where I am and make changes for health. I committed back to WW last week and although I will show a gain this week (July 4th and Chinese before weight in) I am going to be going all summer. I scheduled a physical to discuss some of my stomach issues, my weight, my ankle issues, and scariest of all the possibility that I need to have my heart checked in case I have the same thing my dad did (it is from birth so most likely I don't but need to be safe). I also signed up for yoga and have been working out several times a week.
Along those lines my good friend J told me about MELT fitness. It is a bootcamp style class but they also help modify for the big girls like me. I signed up for a 21 day challenge with 3 extra optional weeks. This will bring me to the start of school. To join is every expensive so my plan is to do this till school then join a gym and do MELT when money allows.
Then finally, I started working with a Disney advisor to plan our Disney trip. This is something I have dreamed about doing since Josie started to get into pricnesses. Not that I didn't want to take Dylan but I knew he would love the ride etc for longer then princesses would be magical for Josie. So I am booking that this week. Yes, the kids are young and it is super expensive and I am still trying to pay off our debt...but I just have felt this need to go. Years before my dad died I was talking to the daycare workers and I said "I am going to wait till they are older since it costs so much" they looked at me and said "don't wait-you can always make it work and do stuff cheaper if you need-don't wait because you never know what could happen God forbid" When they said I brushed it off to sentimental old ladies.....but this has stuck with me since my dad passed. Its not like he would be going with us to Disney-hell no he hated that sort of stuff. He could have probably paid us just to make sure he didn't have to go! Yet, that thought of why should I wait. If I can make it happen then why wait. I have a student now who is 16 and her mother is terminally ill. Her mother's biggest regret is not being able to take her to disney-there is even a go fund my page. If my ass didn't need a push to go here it is now.
So much rambling later you can see I am really making an effort to find myself. Find out who I am now that I have lost my dad and I am navigating this world in a whole new way. For those of you who still read this...get ready for lots of rambling because I need this space more than ever now that I am working on me!
