Ok so I am sure a lot of people are like what the hell with this title so let me just get right to it.  Last school year was shit....plain and simple.  I have spent a lot of time this summer reflecting on what exactly made this school year so bad and how can I fix that for this coming one.  I am not stupid I know some of the stress and crappy stuff I can not fix and just have to deal with.  Yet, there are things that made last school year bad that I could have handled differently etc.  Then last week I realized a former co-worker not someone I considered a dear friend but someone I was friendly with had unfriended me.  Now lets be real here, I work in high school I am not in high school.  I am under no dilution that we all are BFF's for life and bull like that.  Yet it stung.  That person unfriending me stung.

Now at first I thought this was because I have a constant need to be liked...so I figured that was why I was upset.  But when I was sitting (technically driving) I realized why it stung.  I think perhaps this was deserved.  Now I don't believe I did anything mean, bad, awful to this person but I don't think I was not the best person I could be...which leads me back to how this ties into my reflections of the last school year.


I have always liked to be like....I am just that girl.  I am a good girl who hates people mad at me, upset with me, not liking me etc.  Spent shit loads (yes that is a real quantity by the way...slightly more then a ton...yet not a zillion) of time in therapy to deal with this have to liked-shouldn't be a fake me so people like me stuff.  I like to be social.  Where my husband is an introvert.  I am extrovert (a very shy extrovert, but an extrovert nonetheless).  I want to be part of the group.  I want to be social.  I want to be friends with everyone (Yes I know that is unrealistic-Hence the shit load of therapy people).

If I am being honest this often leads me to be gossipy. Not the gossip, talking shit behind people's back, gossip.  I just always like to know what is going on, what everyone is up to, etc.  I would never say something behind someone's back I wouldn't say to their face (believe me I have had to own up to this a few times recently).   I think by indulging in gossipy behavior it also lead to drama.  I am hearing about drama, I am talking about drama, I get wrapped up in it.  This drama can be between coworkers, someone issues at home, issues with the boss/es (I use drama to cover a wide range of topics here)


It sort of hit me...that shit-that drama.  Is none of my damn business.  There is no reason for me-even if I am not directly talking about it-that I should even be sitting in listening to it.  There is no reason.  I get sucked into shit that isn't my concern and at the end of the day it is not flattering to me or is not leading me to being who I want to be.  Often being around drama and getting involved even in a cursory way is exhausting.  Who I want to be is a good friend, a kind co worker-someone who is always respected as a professional.  Now those of you who don't work with-Please don't think I am sitting around slinging shit talk.  I am not.  I am just allowing me to get sucked into common work place gossip and the pissing and moaning of a horrendous school year.


The other part of my reflection on this past school year is this....if you take out the drama- my school year was great.  I had great students, did an amazing job navigating through horrendous changes at my job, and kept my head above water.  Where I started to sink was I allowed this drama to take me down.  Drama for me at work is that work place gossip, allowing other people's issues now become my own, and taking on on other people's stuff.  This summer I have realized that I can be a good co-worker and a good friend without taking on others burdens, issues, stuff as my own.  I can be supportive to the people I work with, lend an ear or a shoulder for support, but then realize that this is not my issue or my burden to carry. I can still fight for what I believe in but not allow myself to get to dismayed over the daily negativity and let downs that is teaching today

Teaching today is hard.  Being a mom is hard.  Being a good friend and person is hard.  My reflections have led me to realize that some of what I have done this year, and not done this past year made this past year so shitty.  It makes me realize what I need to do for the new school year.  So since I love a good list here it is.

I can make sure that I spend my time at work enjoying my co-workers and friends (because many of them I consider both) company but not allow myself to get concerned/wrapped up in things that are not be business.  I will enjoy my relationships at work for what they are....what I mean is I have friends at work (I hang out with them outside of school and they are big parts of life) I have work friends (people who I care about, know a lot about their lives and enjoy their company but other than social media we don't really interact much outside of work) and coworkers.  These are three separate groups of people who all play an important role in my life....and I need to "know my roll".  Ok-so I didn't say what I really meant :-)  I just mean that I need to not worry less about what the hell everyone else is up to, talking about, doing and focus on me and my life.  This is not meant in a callous way but in a way that makes me realize I do not need to be so concerned with the who what where when and drama about everyone and every thing at work.

Well now that I wrote a whole huge post and everyone thinks that I am a gossipy bitch who isn't going to talk to anyone anymore :-0!  This was a post that was more for me than anyone else.  It was a post about taking responsibility for a shitty year.  It was for me to acknowledge that even though I had spent a long time working on certain behaviors that I allowed myself to fall into old patterns of caring too much what others thought about me, my constant need to fit in, and allowed those thoughts to run the show.  I allowed my true self the one, I want the world to see, to be covered up by being someone I wasn't proud of.

Now, back to that unfriending thingy.  Let me be honest, I know that this was a person who was only in my life for a brief snip it for time.  Although I am sad they were clearly upset by something I did I am sort of glad it happened.  That allowed me to really sit and think about this past school year and really evaluate if I made the best choices for myself as I could...and clearly that was a no.

Here is hoping to better choices and a much better, happier, and healthier new school year.  2014-2015 school year here I come!

So it has taken me awhile to post...well because this was hard to talk about.  I cried at work this week...not ugly cry....but the I am so pissed off and really want to drop a bunch of F-bombs so crying seemed like the only option (clearly that is way more professional than swearing).  So a wee background about this incident.  In our school, like all in CT, are going through a huge transition in our evaluation system.  We are moving in the direction that many of those in power feel is the right way to go.  That way is basically to have teachers prove they are doing their job.  In theory this sounds reasonable-make sure teachers are doing a good job so you can get rid of the bad ones.  No objections here.  The problem comes in how you decide I am doing my job...teaching is not like any other job.  You can't really assess it because it is more art than science....I don't make widgets I teacher 120 uniquely different students.  So anywho....the way that we are assessed is tremendously complicated that even after several day long meetings the formula that is used to decided if I get to keep my job or not is scary complex.  At that heart of it is proving that I have taught my students skill (not subject matter) from the start of the year to the end.  This involves a tremendous amount of testing, record keeping, data sorting, and no like like 12 forms.  All of which take hours-again literally hours- to fill out.

So just as I am finally getting my head above water....we had all of these forms, parent conferences, as well as grades closing on the same week THE FORM hit.  Now granted this form is not as complex as the others but months prior our principal promised (I even wrote the date down because I was shocked he said we wouldn't have to) that we would not have to keep forms on our daily meetings.  Well guess what...at a meeting on Monday we were told we have to fill out a form daily (yes every day) on what we do in this meeting.  For a business person this would be equivalent of filling out a full page form every time you had a meeting with a co-worker on a project and answering five questions about what you did.  It is making us justify every minute spent as though I have the time to dick around and waste precious time.  I swear I want to write on the form "I filled out the 100 other friggin forms you gave me today" and write that every day for a month.  SERIOUSLY.  So everyone is starting to panic at our meeting about another form and I raise my hand and start to say "Can this wait, can it be modified....this is too much" and I well up.  It was embarrassing but it was how I felt.  It was true raw emotion the kind that is so strong you just can't hide it.

Well needless to say....the aftermath of that moment was interesting.  Many colleagues came up to me and expressed not only concern that I was upset, but more than that many of them said "THANK YOU".  You said and showed exactly how I felt.  Another colleague said he was watching me and it made him so sad because he could see me break.  It was that moment where you can't take anymore and you just fall apart.  Another friend gave me this...she said I earned it.  I joked and asked if I was part of the club "Bitches who cried at work club" she said yeah sort of.

The other aftermath...the one that stings a bit is two of the "head" people at that meeting although they are superiors I am close with an neither of them has asked me how I was doing or even made reference to what happened.  I don't know if perhaps it is embarrassing for them as it is for me.  I know that this was not their form....they are just following the party line as we call it.  Yet, to not follow up with me stings. Then again perhaps no follow up is better than the "that wasn't appropriate" follow up.

For me the aftermath has been hard....I am a girl who loves her job.  I have loved almost every day of my 11 years at my school.  That form, that moment made me realize the job as I knew it is over.  My husband a future school administrator said to me today "You need to realize this is how it is going to be and if your ass can't take the heat get out of the fire."  That hurt.....but it made me realize the reality of this situation.  I love what I do.....I believe in what I do......I love and believe more than I hate all those fucking forms.  I know I am a good teacher, I know what I do matters, and I know in my heart I can cry all I want those forms aren't going away.  So as pissed and angry and sad as I am.....I choose what I love more.  I love my students and they are worth the stress, the aggravation, and the 9,999 shitty forms I have to fill out to continue to do what I love.

So from now on I am going to try my best to always choose love over frustration, anger, and stress.  It doesn't mean it will happen but if I try and always remember what I love...maybe it will make my back a little stronger so it doesn't break so easily.

So I do believe that a lot of people have those few things in their lives that they could take back or do over so to speak. Mine happened to be the way a friendship of mine ended back in college. I sent this person a letter a long time ago hoping for a response that never came (I can't blame them the letter was a horrible emotional piece of garbage). So I have since found this person on facebook and began the dilemma in my brain about should I email them or not. So I did. Basically saying, I know things ended back between us and I am sorry and I wished it had turned out differently. I logged on today and was pleasantly surprised that the person had emailed back basically saying "The past is the past and water under the bridge" which was so nice to hear. Yet, even though I have what I wanted, closure on some level, it still is a little lack luster. Not that I wanted no response, not that I wanted an F*** off, not that I wanted to be best friends and share a "moment",but I just feel that it should have been more. I have been waiting to put an end to this unresolved thing in my life for so long and yet, not that I have it, it doesn't seem like quite enough. Then again that is me, I am always wanting more then what for everyone else is enough.