Ok so I am sure a lot of people are like what the hell with this title so let me just get right to it. Last school year was shit....plain and simple. I have spent a lot of time this summer reflecting on what exactly made this school year so bad and how can I fix that for this coming one. I am not stupid I know some of the stress and crappy stuff I can not fix and just have to deal with. Yet, there are things that made last school year bad that I could have handled differently etc. Then last week I realized a former co-worker not someone I considered a dear friend but someone I was friendly with had unfriended me. Now lets be real here, I work in high school I am not in high school. I am under no dilution that we all are BFF's for life and bull like that. Yet it stung. That person unfriending me stung.
Now at first I thought this was because I have a constant need to be liked...so I figured that was why I was upset. But when I was sitting (technically driving) I realized why it stung. I think perhaps this was deserved. Now I don't believe I did anything mean, bad, awful to this person but I don't think I was not the best person I could be...which leads me back to how this ties into my reflections of the last school year.
I have always liked to be like....I am just that girl. I am a good girl who hates people mad at me, upset with me, not liking me etc. Spent shit loads (yes that is a real quantity by the way...slightly more then a ton...yet not a zillion) of time in therapy to deal with this have to liked-shouldn't be a fake me so people like me stuff. I like to be social. Where my husband is an introvert. I am extrovert (a very shy extrovert, but an extrovert nonetheless). I want to be part of the group. I want to be social. I want to be friends with everyone (Yes I know that is unrealistic-Hence the shit load of therapy people).
If I am being honest this often leads me to be gossipy. Not the gossip, talking shit behind people's back, gossip. I just always like to know what is going on, what everyone is up to, etc. I would never say something behind someone's back I wouldn't say to their face (believe me I have had to own up to this a few times recently). I think by indulging in gossipy behavior it also lead to drama. I am hearing about drama, I am talking about drama, I get wrapped up in it. This drama can be between coworkers, someone issues at home, issues with the boss/es (I use drama to cover a wide range of topics here)
It sort of hit me...that shit-that drama. Is none of my damn business. There is no reason for me-even if I am not directly talking about it-that I should even be sitting in listening to it. There is no reason. I get sucked into shit that isn't my concern and at the end of the day it is not flattering to me or is not leading me to being who I want to be. Often being around drama and getting involved even in a cursory way is exhausting. Who I want to be is a good friend, a kind co worker-someone who is always respected as a professional. Now those of you who don't work with-Please don't think I am sitting around slinging shit talk. I am not. I am just allowing me to get sucked into common work place gossip and the pissing and moaning of a horrendous school year.
The other part of my reflection on this past school year is this....if you take out the drama- my school year was great. I had great students, did an amazing job navigating through horrendous changes at my job, and kept my head above water. Where I started to sink was I allowed this drama to take me down. Drama for me at work is that work place gossip, allowing other people's issues now become my own, and taking on on other people's stuff. This summer I have realized that I can be a good co-worker and a good friend without taking on others burdens, issues, stuff as my own. I can be supportive to the people I work with, lend an ear or a shoulder for support, but then realize that this is not my issue or my burden to carry. I can still fight for what I believe in but not allow myself to get to dismayed over the daily negativity and let downs that is teaching today
Teaching today is hard. Being a mom is hard. Being a good friend and person is hard. My reflections have led me to realize that some of what I have done this year, and not done this past year made this past year so shitty. It makes me realize what I need to do for the new school year. So since I love a good list here it is.
I can make sure that I spend my time at work enjoying my co-workers and friends (because many of them I consider both) company but not allow myself to get concerned/wrapped up in things that are not be business. I will enjoy my relationships at work for what they are....what I mean is I have friends at work (I hang out with them outside of school and they are big parts of life) I have work friends (people who I care about, know a lot about their lives and enjoy their company but other than social media we don't really interact much outside of work) and coworkers. These are three separate groups of people who all play an important role in my life....and I need to "know my roll". Ok-so I didn't say what I really meant :-) I just mean that I need to not worry less about what the hell everyone else is up to, talking about, doing and focus on me and my life. This is not meant in a callous way but in a way that makes me realize I do not need to be so concerned with the who what where when and drama about everyone and every thing at work.
Well now that I wrote a whole huge post and everyone thinks that I am a gossipy bitch who isn't going to talk to anyone anymore :-0! This was a post that was more for me than anyone else. It was a post about taking responsibility for a shitty year. It was for me to acknowledge that even though I had spent a long time working on certain behaviors that I allowed myself to fall into old patterns of caring too much what others thought about me, my constant need to fit in, and allowed those thoughts to run the show. I allowed my true self the one, I want the world to see, to be covered up by being someone I wasn't proud of.
Now, back to that unfriending thingy. Let me be honest, I know that this was a person who was only in my life for a brief snip it for time. Although I am sad they were clearly upset by something I did I am sort of glad it happened. That allowed me to really sit and think about this past school year and really evaluate if I made the best choices for myself as I could...and clearly that was a no.
Here is hoping to better choices and a much better, happier, and healthier new school year. 2014-2015 school year here I come!
