So every year I set lofty goals for myself but never really do much with that...but shit I am an optimist so why hell not!  Just kidding.....well not really I really feel that need to set some good goals for myself and actually work on achieving them.  Part of my reason for this is in the last few months although my anxiety is high I have sort of felt the fog of grief starting to lift.  My therapist who I worked with right after my dad died said her patients often comment that with grief they feel like they are walking around half asleep for months or even years as they figure out this new life without the person they love.  For me it was sort of this double whammy of loosing my dad, my kids loosing their hero, and having to grow up all at once. It was and still is a lot.  But lately I have been noticing that I am not as shell shocked.  I can talk about my dad and not have it crush me, the holidays were not as devestatingly sad.  I am also realizing that I have put a few things on the back burner for these last two years.  A lot of that is myself care and taking good care of me, of taking time with my husband and realizing that he is more than that guy who lives in the house, and taking time to cultivate relationships other than my family.  I think it was hard for me and my heart to even interact with people-sometimes it still is.  As if pleasure and joy sometimes were too much.  Happiness was too much.  Frankly I wanted to be sad and pissed off and angry and miserable.  Sometimes I still do.  Yet, I realized I need to work on not letting myself and my life get sucked in to that not good place.  There is too much beauty and joy to just be existing to just be getting by.  That is what I have really felt for the last two years....that I was surviving.  I say it like its a horrible thing....its not.  I survived, my kids survived, for the most part my relationships survived.  I know I have been harder to be around, harder to love, harder to like.  I am harsher and more critical.  My best qualities of being funny, and kind, and joyful have been muted and often still are.  Shout out to my friends and especially Ryan for patiently hanging on during this wild ride I have been on.  I often realized at the end of the day I was too tired from "surviving" to give my friends or my husband much of anything (I also know this is a problem of all mothers).  I know that in friendship and certainly in marriage there are ebbs and flows-that doesn't make them easy.  I know for Ryan it has been hard to see me like this and not really "fix" what was wrong all while trying to maintain his own mental health.  He, like most people who struggle with mental illness,  have a hard time being around others who are mentally unwell.  He has stood by as I sorted out how to move forward in this new dadless world I was thrown into.

So anywho...enough musings on where I have been.  I want to think about the future.  I know some people are concerned with what will happen with our government in the upcoming year. For me I choose to bring light into the world first with my own family and then in my classroom.  I will worry about the US and the World when I need to.  

So my goals for 2017

1.  I need to get my eating and weight in check.  I plan to head to my dr to talk about on going stomach issues and request to see a dietician for that and help with my eating.  My goal is 52 pounds by Dec 31 of next year.  More than that I just to be eating better so I am not sick all the time

2.  I want to commit to a bit of self care everyday.   That means exercising, or meditation, or journaling at least 20min every day.  I need it for my mental health and I need it to continue to be a good mom and wife

3.  I want to do one family adventure with kids every month that doesn't not involve screens.  So although I have loved our movie binge of the last few weeks I want non-screen fun with the family

4.  I want to walk or jog a total of 217 miles this year

5.  I want to make at least 5 quilts this year-at least one for me to keep

6.  I want to do one thing for me each month.  Go out with a friend, go out alone, something that is just for me.  

7.  I want to do something special with Ryan once a month....either a date night or something fun once the kids go to bed....no this isn't secret code for anything.  I just feel like our relationship has taken a back burner to everything and some day its just going to be the two of us and I would still like to make sure we like each other when that happens.  

I am hoping to get back into blogging a bit more and keep track of these goals....I think as the goals slip from my mind then they get forgotten.  So I am hoping for a good 2017-How about you?  What are you goals for the year? 

A few weeks ago I was contacted by the people over at Greek God's asking if I wanted to try out one of their new products-Greek yogurt with Chia.  I of course said yes-both Miss J and I love yogurt and add in Chia seeds for adding saying power why not.  

Now on the new Weight Watchers Smart Points program yogurts have gone up in points values so I was a little concerned about that but each yogurt was worth 5pts.  Now that is a lot for a snack-but considering it has 12G of protein in every cup it might be a good snack at work.  

As I have mentioned I am lactose intolerant but I can usually do Greek Yogurt-it contains less lactose.  According to the people at The Greek Gods each cup contains 120 calories, 12g of Protein, its high in calcium, Gluten free, no rBS and rBGH in the dairy, and it has fruit on the bottom.  They are retailing for 1.59-1.79 a cup.   Flavors currently are Strawberry, Peach, Blackberry, and Vanilla.

 So far these have passed the Josie test she really enjoyed them.  For me-they have been a great snack that has kept me full for hours.  I know for a lot of people on weight watchers and those watching their sugar this is not an ideal snack but with the amount of protein that you get I think that means its totally worth it!  

Check out more details here or pick some up at your local store.  

I can't believe its been so long since I have written a post.  Life has been good and complicated and not so good at the moment.  In terms of my healthy journey I am doing well-I have lost almost ten pounds since Janurary.  I know that doesn't seem like much but I am feeling a little bit more in control then I have before. I even gave up sweets for lent and despite a fall "off the lentin wagon" on my hubs bday I haven't really eaten any sweets or candy.  

My own journey with grief etc actually has been going really really well.  I have been doing ok but the kids have been having a rough time.  I will save that for another post.

Right now I am struggling to live in the moment.  We have a lot of credit card debt...not the unpayable kind just a lot more than I would like and the kind that makes me hate to have it.  The debt means we can't get a different house, it makes me feel like a failure financially.  I have a plan moving forward but right now it seems to cause me a ton of anxiety.  I know that debt is part of American culture but I hate it.  Part of it is piss poor spending habits on our part.  Always wanting more then what we have.  Always thinking I need to keep up with the joneses.  I hate that I can't take my kids on a big expensive disney vacation.  I hate that I can't do those things till this debt is gone.  I hate that I keep paying and paying and paying but then some major shit storm of finances hits and all the progress I made just goes right back on that stupid piece of plastic.  I know I need to tighten the belt but I hate doing that.  

But back to the living in the moment.  If my dad's death has taught my anything-it is that you don't know when your time is up.  Why spend your last few days worrying about money.  I know that eventually that debt will be paid off...someday and there is no sense in spending hours worrying about it.  As long as I am paying it off slowly and steadily we will get there.  Not maybe in the time frame I would like but eventually.  

So right now things are up and down...but mostly ok

So in an attempt to be all in with my healthiness journey I decided to start posting some recipes here on the blog of some of the things that I am eating.  Below is one of my favorite go to recipes.  Although many would think of this as a breakfast dish-for me I often take it for a quick protein packed lunch at work.

Step Four:  When set take out and sprinkle with cheese and pop back in oven till cheese is melted to your liking.  

This piece shown is smaller the the 1/6 that is accounted for in the Smart Points.  I just forgot to take a picture of it and this was my mid day weekend snack-Hence the paper plate!  

Hope you like this dish!!

Its been a long time since I posted....things got well holiday crazed around here that is for sure.  I was having some medical issues that hopefully I will get around to posting about then just getting ready for the holidays with two small children is always crazy.  Plus if I am being honest I was having a real hard time without having my dad around.  

Now up until the week before Christmas I was doing ok with everything.  Work was good, kids were good. weight watchers was good.  Then all the balls up in the air started to fall and well.....hit me on my head! 

A long time ago someone said to me as hard as the first holiday without your loved one is hard-the second one is worse.  I definitely don't think it was worse just more permeant in a way.  Just the reality of him being gone as really begun to set in.  It is almost as if I head my breath for the whole first year dealing with all of those firsts but now it is the reality of the loss is starting to set in.  Its not harder it is just different.  Sometimes the gravity of the loss is really hard.  Lately Josie has been talking about my dad and how she misses and her memories of him.  Thankfully her mentioning him doesn't bring me instantly to tears....but it does hurt at the thought of how much he is missing each and every day.

The holidays round these parts were good.  We had a nice time celebrating with family and friends and the kids were spoiled rotten.  Mainly what I am looking forward to is some quiet time with the family at home.  

I didn't even take that many pictures this year....not because I didn't want to but because I was busy enjoying.  If one thing the loss of my dad has taught me.....life is far to short to spend my time doing things that don't bring me joy.  

I hope you and your family enjoyed your holidays!  

So this vacation I brought no work home.  All of my grading is done and I knew I would be spending a few days in NYC and then want to be with my kiddos for the rest of the vacation.  Well I was fighting a cold before school got out for the holidays and it has only gotten worse.  I even went to the Dr's on Monday to make sure it wasn't something serious.  Thankfully just a nasty cold and cough.  I was so sick that I cancelled a much look forward trip to NYC with friends for one night and the hubby another.  

So that has left me home with no grading, no plans, and no graduate classes to complete.  I have seriously found myself wandering around my house.  I am so used to being busy...to the point that when my dad died I signed on to sell Jamberry wraps to ensure that was always busy with selling them.  

I have been reading, cleaning, and organizing a bit.  Since I am sick I haven't felt up to doing much else.  We took the kids to see two movies (The Good Dinosaur-which I slept through and Star Wars).  

I figured as hard as it it for me to sit around and not do stuff I think that is maybe just what I need to be doing.  Taking time to just be with my kids and family.  Make myself sit and reflect.  I am trying to be focused on myself and take some me time.  That is one of the new focuses on the new weight watchers program.  Taking me time.  That is really hard-to just take time and be....

For me when I am not busy sometimes that means I am left to deal with my emotions.  Me dealing with my emotions is not an easy thing for me.  This is why I have eating issues.  To ignore my emotions I eat or keep busy.

Like I said I am not good at relaxing and not being busy but maybe this is exactly what I need to be doing.  

So although I have been working my weight loss program for a few weeks sadly I am not that skinny bitch I really want to be.  Tonight while trying no clothes (I am currently doing GwynnieBee) and I caught a glimpse of myself in my mirror.  Typically, I just look at myself at the floor length mirror at the end of the hall in my house.  But I got a real good look.....maybe good isn't the word to use.  

What is interesting is this wasn't one of those self hatred moments....mostly it made me sad.  It made me upset that I have let me body get to this point.  I know exactly where that 25 pounds I put on went.  It hit me in that moment just how big I have let myself get.  I have always been a big girl...no secret there.  But I am the same size I was after I had both my kids....I am sad that I have not taken care of myself and this is the result.

It was also highly motivating.  It made me realize there just can't be anymore BS.  For the most party I have tracked every point and need to get back to adding in regular exercise.  Although most days I walk at least 10,000 steps I need to do more not only for stress management but to get this weight off.  I don't have to do anything radical just do something.

I won't lie I am sad....not the usual I hate myself.  Just more taking that feeling in and realizing I need to change.  I also promised myself to give the new weight watchers program my all.  For another 47 weeks since I am one week five now.  Its not running a marathon it is sticking to a plan to help myself.  Otherwise I may need to consider other option because what I saw in the mirror was the one thing I can't afford to be and that is unhealthy.  I no longer have the luxury of saying.....well my parents are fat but they are healthy.  I don't get that anymore-I get a parent who died at 64....that right there my friends is some serious shit that needs to be dealth with.

So yes, I am a bummed and sad-but sometimes I think we need reality to bitch slap us across the face to motivate us.  

So hello to that time of year!  So I went to weight watchers last week even though I knew I would be up.  Any male readers...avert your eyes now.  Ladies we know how it goes you could eat twigs and berries and drink three gallons of water and still be up ten pounds from water weight.  That was me.  I promised myself this time around I would really commit.  I would work the program, I would go to meetings and I would track.  With the exception of the two days after thanksgiving (I tracked on Turkey Day) I have tracked every day for almost a month.  

This week I went and weighed in and was down almost all the weight I gained the week before two days after Thanksgiving.  So I will take that and run with it.  Would I have liked it to be more...yup but I know its not always about the number it is about being better for me and my family.

So I am off to track and watch the mid season finale of Walking Dead. Hope everyone's holiday was great. 

So after a really great weight watchers meeting I decided I needed to comit to the process.  I promised myself that I would track every bit of food that entered my mouth.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  There were some ugly days.  Days I ate way more than I wanted or intended to.  Then again it was life.  I didn't work out as much as I had hoped.  I also tried to embrace some aspects of the program that I haven't done in a long time. The meeting topics.  I was really trying to take some me time and treat myself better.  I signed up for an outfit delivery program to help with making myself feel good inside and out.  You know what happened.....I lost 2.4 pounds.  I haven't lost that much at weight watchers in a long time.  I think I sort of realized I need to embrace this more fully. Now this week has been rough so far.  I have stuck to my comitment to track all the things that come into my mouth.  It was hard-I was tired after a crazy week and we ordered out chinese and that points for that were through the roof and I forgot until I went to add in all the points.  I have gone to yoga and today I worked out at home.  Baby steps people-that is what I can handle now.  

I think there is something to say for realizing that I can't just do this my way. My way hasn't really been working.  So I hope to put some fun stuff up on the blog.  I made a fun new pork crock pot recipe that I want to post and also a review of my outfit delivery service!  Hope you are all well!

I think I have been quiet around here-I have truly been in survival mode.  This past month was the one year anniversary of my dad's death.  I was doing really well after spending a lot of time working on myself and spending a lot of time in therapy this past summer.  Then the crazy stress of month two of school coupled with the anniversary really had a rough affect on me.  

Although I took care of myself mentally this summer I realized sometime in the last few weeks that I haven't been taking care of myself health wise.  I haven't been eating well and haven't really been exercising since hurting my ankle early in the summer.  So I have had enough with the extra 20 pounds I gained in the last year and a half.  I decided to go back to weight watchers and commit to really trying.  Not just half assing it.  As of today I have tracked every day even the last two days which were not that great but I tracked them anyways..including the tasty yet not good for you cookie dough that I ate right out of the container earlier tonight.  

I also signed up three weeks ago to go back to yoga.  I went once and realized how much I love it.  I wasn't able to go the last two weeks once because I was sick and once because Ryan was.  The exercise is harder to get in but at least I am getting 10,000 steps a day in which is also a goal.  

I also have been taking more opportunities to take care of myself.  I am not allowing myself to get so stressed about money.  I try and only go in do the bills every few weeks so I don't get so stressed.  I have been treating myself to a few things every now and again.  I even just signed up for Gweenie Bee as a treat to myself.  I need to feel good at this size-smaller or bigger.  That is essential to my mental health. 

So I also committed to try and blog a bit more about my journey....I sometimes shy away from this place but realize once I come back that I feel so much better after I ramble a bit on here about my thoughts and feelings.  

How is everyone else doing out there?? Update me!

So in case anyone still reads this blog-Yes I am alive.  I had a great summer that was much needed to help me deal with some stuff.  School started for me about two and half weeks ago and for the kids about a week ago.  It has been a crazy but good time.  I am still trying to feel my way around a new school year and get into my groove which makes it hard to find time to do anything else.  

My goal in these up coming weeks is to be sure to take some time for me.  Over the summer I went back to weight watchers and lost a few pounds over the summer and that was good but with the new school year and soccer game schedule attending meetings is a bit harder.  I have decided to continue to do that at home and try and take some time every day to focus on me and my health.  I have read a great book called What you can When you can and I will share more about that later.  That deserves a whole post.  I am really trying to work on the no shame thing.  Feeling bad about how much a weigh isn't very productive for anyone-it also doesn't motivate me.  

So to all my teacher friends or those moms with kids in school-Cheers to a new school year!  I hopefully will be checking in a wee bit more!

Just a super quick post for this week's weigh in!  It was good.  In my mind I would love to loose it at an ass cheek at a time but I will take slow and steady wins the race! 

Well so much for weekly weigh in updates.  Between lots of snow days, weekend snow storms, and life in general I haven't been updating my blog.  I weighed in on week two and lost 2.0 then I was unable to weight in for week 3, and this week I weighed in and lost .8.  For a total of 2.8 in three weeks and and an overall total of -.6 (remember I started above).  I can honestly say I am happy with that.  Exercising as been rough because of the weather and a lot going on with the kids.  I had some rough days emotionally that led to not the best choice making.  I am looking at progress not perfection.  I also decided this year to try and curb some bad habits and have given up candy (chocolate too) and desserts for lent.  I have been eating too much crap-and when I eat it I crave it.  So here is to a nice start...how is everyone else doing out there??

So its obvious no secret that I struggle with my weight and my eating issues.   I promised myself the day by dad died that I wouldn't let his death ruin me.  That I would use it for a greater purpose.  Now that I am finally starting to get a little out of this cloud or lets be honest tarp that has been around me I am realizing that I need to pony up to the promise.  So with my tail tucked between my legs I went back to weight watchers.  Let me be clear-weight watchers works if you do it.  Just paying for it doesn't work. If that was the case I would be one skinny bitch by now!!

So I figured I am here airing all my dirty ass laundry why not this too.  So here it is week one

+2.2 pounds

In the whole scheme of weight loss and gain-2.2 pounds since my dad died isn't horrendous.  Its not where I wanted to be almost 10 months after rejoining last April.   But again note the comment you have to do it, not just pay for it

So I have been tracking my food (which on the weekend it was ugly but I did it) and I went to Yoga (thank you Julie for convincing me I needed to go) and I went for a run today.  I am setting small goals for myself because small is all I can handle right now.  

I have also been busy on some other projects that I hope to share on here soon!  Here is to a fresh start and some new goals!

Whenever someone is sick my mom makes what she calls her kitchen sink soup. She calls it that because every time she makes it she puts everything and anything in it.  Recently I have started making it to clean out the fridge of left over veggies or when someone is sick.  This week Miss J had an ear infection and Pneumonia and I have a nasty cold!  What is better on a super cold winter night then a nice big bowl of soup.  

Ingredients

Carrots-2 Cups Rough Chopped

Zucchini Cups Chopped (You can use whatever veggies you have in the fridge)

Two Boxes or Four Cans of Beef/Chicken/Veggie Broth

3.  Add chopped veggies (carrots, zuchninni, whatever you have to get rid of )

4.  Next add the beans-I drain the beans but then add a little water to get the last of the bean out of the can out and add that to the pot.  Then add the boxes of broth. 

What is all looks like when boiling

6. Add the pasta-I went with Shells.  Boil till Al-Dente 8-10 minutes usually.  

7.  Serve with a crusty bread and a sprinkle of Parmesean Cheese (the classic Italian Way)

This is a soup that my kids and hubby love-I do too.  It hits the spot and for those following weight watchers the pot comes in at six servings (which is huge-huge bowl) for six points each bowl.  

If you try the recipe let me know how you like it!