So every year I set lofty goals for myself but never really do much with that...but shit I am an optimist so why hell not! Just kidding.....well not really I really feel that need to set some good goals for myself and actually work on achieving them. Part of my reason for this is in the last few months although my anxiety is high I have sort of felt the fog of grief starting to lift. My therapist who I worked with right after my dad died said her patients often comment that with grief they feel like they are walking around half asleep for months or even years as they figure out this new life without the person they love. For me it was sort of this double whammy of loosing my dad, my kids loosing their hero, and having to grow up all at once. It was and still is a lot. But lately I have been noticing that I am not as shell shocked. I can talk about my dad and not have it crush me, the holidays were not as devestatingly sad. I am also realizing that I have put a few things on the back burner for these last two years. A lot of that is myself care and taking good care of me, of taking time with my husband and realizing that he is more than that guy who lives in the house, and taking time to cultivate relationships other than my family. I think it was hard for me and my heart to even interact with people-sometimes it still is. As if pleasure and joy sometimes were too much. Happiness was too much. Frankly I wanted to be sad and pissed off and angry and miserable. Sometimes I still do. Yet, I realized I need to work on not letting myself and my life get sucked in to that not good place. There is too much beauty and joy to just be existing to just be getting by. That is what I have really felt for the last two years....that I was surviving. I say it like its a horrible thing....its not. I survived, my kids survived, for the most part my relationships survived. I know I have been harder to be around, harder to love, harder to like. I am harsher and more critical. My best qualities of being funny, and kind, and joyful have been muted and often still are. Shout out to my friends and especially Ryan for patiently hanging on during this wild ride I have been on. I often realized at the end of the day I was too tired from "surviving" to give my friends or my husband much of anything (I also know this is a problem of all mothers). I know that in friendship and certainly in marriage there are ebbs and flows-that doesn't make them easy. I know for Ryan it has been hard to see me like this and not really "fix" what was wrong all while trying to maintain his own mental health. He, like most people who struggle with mental illness, have a hard time being around others who are mentally unwell. He has stood by as I sorted out how to move forward in this new dadless world I was thrown into.
So anywho...enough musings on where I have been. I want to think about the future. I know some people are concerned with what will happen with our government in the upcoming year. For me I choose to bring light into the world first with my own family and then in my classroom. I will worry about the US and the World when I need to.
So my goals for 2017
1. I need to get my eating and weight in check. I plan to head to my dr to talk about on going stomach issues and request to see a dietician for that and help with my eating. My goal is 52 pounds by Dec 31 of next year. More than that I just to be eating better so I am not sick all the time
2. I want to commit to a bit of self care everyday. That means exercising, or meditation, or journaling at least 20min every day. I need it for my mental health and I need it to continue to be a good mom and wife
3. I want to do one family adventure with kids every month that doesn't not involve screens. So although I have loved our movie binge of the last few weeks I want non-screen fun with the family
4. I want to walk or jog a total of 217 miles this year
5. I want to make at least 5 quilts this year-at least one for me to keep
6. I want to do one thing for me each month. Go out with a friend, go out alone, something that is just for me.
7. I want to do something special with Ryan once a month....either a date night or something fun once the kids go to bed....no this isn't secret code for anything. I just feel like our relationship has taken a back burner to everything and some day its just going to be the two of us and I would still like to make sure we like each other when that happens.
I am hoping to get back into blogging a bit more and keep track of these goals....I think as the goals slip from my mind then they get forgotten. So I am hoping for a good 2017-How about you? What are you goals for the year?
