Ok so I am sure a lot of people are like what the hell with this title so let me just get right to it.  Last school year was shit....plain and simple.  I have spent a lot of time this summer reflecting on what exactly made this school year so bad and how can I fix that for this coming one.  I am not stupid I know some of the stress and crappy stuff I can not fix and just have to deal with.  Yet, there are things that made last school year bad that I could have handled differently etc.  Then last week I realized a former co-worker not someone I considered a dear friend but someone I was friendly with had unfriended me.  Now lets be real here, I work in high school I am not in high school.  I am under no dilution that we all are BFF's for life and bull like that.  Yet it stung.  That person unfriending me stung.

Now at first I thought this was because I have a constant need to be liked...so I figured that was why I was upset.  But when I was sitting (technically driving) I realized why it stung.  I think perhaps this was deserved.  Now I don't believe I did anything mean, bad, awful to this person but I don't think I was not the best person I could be...which leads me back to how this ties into my reflections of the last school year.


I have always liked to be like....I am just that girl.  I am a good girl who hates people mad at me, upset with me, not liking me etc.  Spent shit loads (yes that is a real quantity by the way...slightly more then a ton...yet not a zillion) of time in therapy to deal with this have to liked-shouldn't be a fake me so people like me stuff.  I like to be social.  Where my husband is an introvert.  I am extrovert (a very shy extrovert, but an extrovert nonetheless).  I want to be part of the group.  I want to be social.  I want to be friends with everyone (Yes I know that is unrealistic-Hence the shit load of therapy people).

If I am being honest this often leads me to be gossipy. Not the gossip, talking shit behind people's back, gossip.  I just always like to know what is going on, what everyone is up to, etc.  I would never say something behind someone's back I wouldn't say to their face (believe me I have had to own up to this a few times recently).   I think by indulging in gossipy behavior it also lead to drama.  I am hearing about drama, I am talking about drama, I get wrapped up in it.  This drama can be between coworkers, someone issues at home, issues with the boss/es (I use drama to cover a wide range of topics here)


It sort of hit me...that shit-that drama.  Is none of my damn business.  There is no reason for me-even if I am not directly talking about it-that I should even be sitting in listening to it.  There is no reason.  I get sucked into shit that isn't my concern and at the end of the day it is not flattering to me or is not leading me to being who I want to be.  Often being around drama and getting involved even in a cursory way is exhausting.  Who I want to be is a good friend, a kind co worker-someone who is always respected as a professional.  Now those of you who don't work with-Please don't think I am sitting around slinging shit talk.  I am not.  I am just allowing me to get sucked into common work place gossip and the pissing and moaning of a horrendous school year.


The other part of my reflection on this past school year is this....if you take out the drama- my school year was great.  I had great students, did an amazing job navigating through horrendous changes at my job, and kept my head above water.  Where I started to sink was I allowed this drama to take me down.  Drama for me at work is that work place gossip, allowing other people's issues now become my own, and taking on on other people's stuff.  This summer I have realized that I can be a good co-worker and a good friend without taking on others burdens, issues, stuff as my own.  I can be supportive to the people I work with, lend an ear or a shoulder for support, but then realize that this is not my issue or my burden to carry. I can still fight for what I believe in but not allow myself to get to dismayed over the daily negativity and let downs that is teaching today

Teaching today is hard.  Being a mom is hard.  Being a good friend and person is hard.  My reflections have led me to realize that some of what I have done this year, and not done this past year made this past year so shitty.  It makes me realize what I need to do for the new school year.  So since I love a good list here it is.

I can make sure that I spend my time at work enjoying my co-workers and friends (because many of them I consider both) company but not allow myself to get concerned/wrapped up in things that are not be business.  I will enjoy my relationships at work for what they are....what I mean is I have friends at work (I hang out with them outside of school and they are big parts of life) I have work friends (people who I care about, know a lot about their lives and enjoy their company but other than social media we don't really interact much outside of work) and coworkers.  These are three separate groups of people who all play an important role in my life....and I need to "know my roll".  Ok-so I didn't say what I really meant :-)  I just mean that I need to not worry less about what the hell everyone else is up to, talking about, doing and focus on me and my life.  This is not meant in a callous way but in a way that makes me realize I do not need to be so concerned with the who what where when and drama about everyone and every thing at work.

Well now that I wrote a whole huge post and everyone thinks that I am a gossipy bitch who isn't going to talk to anyone anymore :-0!  This was a post that was more for me than anyone else.  It was a post about taking responsibility for a shitty year.  It was for me to acknowledge that even though I had spent a long time working on certain behaviors that I allowed myself to fall into old patterns of caring too much what others thought about me, my constant need to fit in, and allowed those thoughts to run the show.  I allowed my true self the one, I want the world to see, to be covered up by being someone I wasn't proud of.

Now, back to that unfriending thingy.  Let me be honest, I know that this was a person who was only in my life for a brief snip it for time.  Although I am sad they were clearly upset by something I did I am sort of glad it happened.  That allowed me to really sit and think about this past school year and really evaluate if I made the best choices for myself as I could...and clearly that was a no.

Here is hoping to better choices and a much better, happier, and healthier new school year.  2014-2015 school year here I come!

So it has taken me awhile to post...well because this was hard to talk about.  I cried at work this week...not ugly cry....but the I am so pissed off and really want to drop a bunch of F-bombs so crying seemed like the only option (clearly that is way more professional than swearing).  So a wee background about this incident.  In our school, like all in CT, are going through a huge transition in our evaluation system.  We are moving in the direction that many of those in power feel is the right way to go.  That way is basically to have teachers prove they are doing their job.  In theory this sounds reasonable-make sure teachers are doing a good job so you can get rid of the bad ones.  No objections here.  The problem comes in how you decide I am doing my job...teaching is not like any other job.  You can't really assess it because it is more art than science....I don't make widgets I teacher 120 uniquely different students.  So anywho....the way that we are assessed is tremendously complicated that even after several day long meetings the formula that is used to decided if I get to keep my job or not is scary complex.  At that heart of it is proving that I have taught my students skill (not subject matter) from the start of the year to the end.  This involves a tremendous amount of testing, record keeping, data sorting, and no like like 12 forms.  All of which take hours-again literally hours- to fill out.

So just as I am finally getting my head above water....we had all of these forms, parent conferences, as well as grades closing on the same week THE FORM hit.  Now granted this form is not as complex as the others but months prior our principal promised (I even wrote the date down because I was shocked he said we wouldn't have to) that we would not have to keep forms on our daily meetings.  Well guess what...at a meeting on Monday we were told we have to fill out a form daily (yes every day) on what we do in this meeting.  For a business person this would be equivalent of filling out a full page form every time you had a meeting with a co-worker on a project and answering five questions about what you did.  It is making us justify every minute spent as though I have the time to dick around and waste precious time.  I swear I want to write on the form "I filled out the 100 other friggin forms you gave me today" and write that every day for a month.  SERIOUSLY.  So everyone is starting to panic at our meeting about another form and I raise my hand and start to say "Can this wait, can it be modified....this is too much" and I well up.  It was embarrassing but it was how I felt.  It was true raw emotion the kind that is so strong you just can't hide it.

Well needless to say....the aftermath of that moment was interesting.  Many colleagues came up to me and expressed not only concern that I was upset, but more than that many of them said "THANK YOU".  You said and showed exactly how I felt.  Another colleague said he was watching me and it made him so sad because he could see me break.  It was that moment where you can't take anymore and you just fall apart.  Another friend gave me this...she said I earned it.  I joked and asked if I was part of the club "Bitches who cried at work club" she said yeah sort of.

The other aftermath...the one that stings a bit is two of the "head" people at that meeting although they are superiors I am close with an neither of them has asked me how I was doing or even made reference to what happened.  I don't know if perhaps it is embarrassing for them as it is for me.  I know that this was not their form....they are just following the party line as we call it.  Yet, to not follow up with me stings. Then again perhaps no follow up is better than the "that wasn't appropriate" follow up.

For me the aftermath has been hard....I am a girl who loves her job.  I have loved almost every day of my 11 years at my school.  That form, that moment made me realize the job as I knew it is over.  My husband a future school administrator said to me today "You need to realize this is how it is going to be and if your ass can't take the heat get out of the fire."  That hurt.....but it made me realize the reality of this situation.  I love what I do.....I believe in what I do......I love and believe more than I hate all those fucking forms.  I know I am a good teacher, I know what I do matters, and I know in my heart I can cry all I want those forms aren't going away.  So as pissed and angry and sad as I am.....I choose what I love more.  I love my students and they are worth the stress, the aggravation, and the 9,999 shitty forms I have to fill out to continue to do what I love.

So from now on I am going to try my best to always choose love over frustration, anger, and stress.  It doesn't mean it will happen but if I try and always remember what I love...maybe it will make my back a little stronger so it doesn't break so easily.

So I feel bad about my neglected little blog....how I have missed it. I wish I could say that things are less crazy they aren't.  The discussion at school has been how our stress level is currently at the level it is at the end of the school when we can just suck up the ridiculousness because summer vacation is two weeks away.  It is not good people.  We have had people who have quit and left for other schools in the first month, teachers crying, and others stressed to the breaking point.  I am trying to just keep my head down, not get to sucked into the drama, and know in my heart I am doing good things in my classroom.

One highlight of the last few weeks is that after weeks of worrying if I am doing an ok job helping and meeting the needs of my many special education students the special ed teacher in my room said to me "You know I wouldn't just say this....but you are doing amazing things with the kids....not just my kids (the special education ones) but all of them.  You have a way with them and are getting through to them"  I started to cry.  All I want to do is teach my students, push them as hard as I can, and make them better citizens who know a little bit more about history when they leave.  I don't give a shit about state tests, or new teacher evaluation programs, or any other thing that you will measure my performance by.  I just want to teach...not all this other stuff.  Ok done ranting.  Sorry peeeps this is my place to let it all out.


So weight loss fitness etc update.  I have been plugging away with my running still.  My race that I hope to run the whole thing is two weeks away.  I don't think I will be able to run the whole thing but I should be close to it and that is going to have to be good enough.  I also signed up with a beach body coach and am doing t25 (sort of PX90 mini sessions) to try and get my ass back in gear.

How is life for everyone else going?  What is new in the bloggy world?

So as I said in my last post I said I wasn't buried under a pile of papers...well not yet at least.  The start of the school year has been a lot to take in.  This year my school went with a new schedule which is modified block (that means some days my classes meet for 44 min the other days they meet for 86).  The also allows for a daily meeting with other teachers to work on new state mandates.  In addition we have changed the levels from AP/Honor 1, 2, 3, (three being the lowest) to AP, Honors, and Academic which means all new classes because the students in the classes now have different abilities.  At the end of last year I chose to go back to teaching the lowest level classes (I always had taught the lowest level until about three years ago).  Well since then there have been a lot of changes included a lot more needy children in our district along with full inclusion classrooms.  This has been a very hard adjustment.  Not anything I can't handle and I already love my students but it is overwhelming when almost half the class has learning disabilities, emotional disabilities, physical disabilities that impair their learning, or students who are just learning the English language.  I also have some students who have such challenging disabilities they are non-verbal.  Yet, because of the new state standards for teacher evaluations part of my job is based on whether or not I can have these kids do better on a standardized test from the beginning of the year to the end.  It is scary...it doesn't mean I hate my students or their needs, it is just overwhelming.

Its overwhelming to know that a large portion of my yearly evaluation is now based on student performance.  I know I am a good teacher, I know that I work hard and my students learn, its just now they are tested in a manner that I don't agree with.  There are kids in my room now matter how much they try will never do well on this writing and reading test (PS I teach history and they aren't tested on history they are tested on reading and writing skills-that is whole other post it self).  I hate having to care about this.  I want to care about my subject matter, I want to care about bringing history alive for my students in a way that reaches all my students regardless of ability level.  Yet, reality is I have to care and that is overwhelming.

Its also overwhelming in the amount of need my students have.  I want them all to be successful and they all need such different things. I no lie have a special education teacher making me a chart to organize the accommodations that each student gets so I don't forget anyone's accommodations.  It is overwhelming because I am passionate about what I do.  I want every student to be successful in my room and I am willing to do whatever it takes to try and make that happen but when in my smallest class a minimum of ten students have to get special services I worry I am going to forget to do something for a kid and I would feel awful.  I know this will all be fine in a few more weeks when I get to know my students better and their needs and their educational preferences but right now it is overwhelming even when I have my smallest amount of students ever at just over 80. 

So because I have been so overwhelmed with work, keeping up with all my new responsibilities and requirements for the teacher evaluation program, and getting prepared for these new classes it has left me emotionally drained.  To the point of tears some days I am so tired.  Add in a 6 year old with anxiety who has trouble sleeping at night and that makes for one mom who is unmotivated to do anything more than her job as a mom and teacher.  That has pushed aside any desire to exercise or continue to train for my 5k.  This makes me sad because I was on schedule for my Oct 19th Penguin run.  I am going to try and still get there but it is hard to focus on anything else right now.  In fact I have so many amazing books and products to review but I cant even think about those yet.  

Yet, I realized that if I am going to take care of my kids and my students I have to start taking care of me.  It isn't that I have been eating bad I haven't its just lack of exercise.  So I decided a schedule is daunting so my plan is this.  I have signed up for the Mamavation 2 week challenge which I plan to do every day and I want to get out and jog when the weather is nice enough and we have time in the family schedule for me to get out there.  Realistically some days it may be one or the other and I am ok with that.  I just need to get back to having at least 30min a day for me and that me times need to be fitness.

Hey readers,  thanks for hanging in there with me.  It has been a wild ride with the start of school-one I truly wasn't expecting.  Thanks for hanging in and your support!

The start of this school year has been overwhelming to say the least.  I plan to write a more adequate most on this when I have the time.  There are some years that start with nothing major and there are others where it takes every ounce of energy I have just to stay afloat....this is one of those crazy starts.  Add to that a first grader and my daughter going to pre school full time.  Although she loves it she misses her Mama so there is lots of snuggling and momma time needed.  Basically that means that my online life has had to come to a screaming halt.  Although I have lots to blog about, great reviews of books and products to post....sadly that can not be my priority right now.  My family and my kids (the school ones) need to be number one.  I should be back and blogging soon and thanks for hanging in during this radio silence.

As the school year is coming to close I always have visions of grandeur about my summer vacation.  The amazing summer projects I will complete, the 100 pounds I will loose, and how I will somehow have a clean house.  Well this year as been a particularly rough one at school so my goal is to spend a lot of my vacation recharging my batteries, spending time with my kids, and getting myself grounded and ready to start what will be a crazy next school year as we go to block scheduling and new teacher evaluations.  Yet, no more talk of the negative, lets talk about what awaits me for the next 8 weeks!  So here are my summer to do lists.  I can't wait to begin! 


Reading List
-The Star Attraction-Alison Sweeney (review book)
-Prime time Princess-Lindy Dekoven (review book)
-Change your life in 7 days-Paul McKenna (review book)
-Joy Worthy-Julie McGrath (review book)
-Budget Diva's Guide to Slashing grocery bill by 50% or more-Sara Lundberg (review book)
-Love Anthony-Lisa Genova
-Cold Light-Traci Slatton
-The Queen's Fool-Philippa Gregory
-The Kingmaker's Daughter-Philippa Gregory
-Reading Lolita in Tehran-Azar Nafisi

Image taken from http://hamptonroads.com/2010/11/your-stack-books-helps-portsmouth-public-library

Non-reading To Do
-Vacation with the Hubby
-See the BFF Twice
-Complete 5 graduate classes (if this becomes too stressful I may get rid of it)
-Complete at two official 5k's
-Get my time to under 40min on a 5k
-Work on my self help books
-Blog three times a week
-Enjoy my down time with my family
-Scan kids artwork and make books about their year
-Make a photo album online of this year
-Work on at least three months of Josie's first year scrapbook (once I am done with her first year I am moving to all digital)
-Take one nap a week
-Go outside at least once everyday day (weather permitting)
-Average at least 9000 steps a day
-Go on one "trip" each week with the kids to a museum, park, zoo, etc

I have spent a lot of time over the last year or so trying to deal with my own lies.  The lies about everything being perfect etc.  So I hate when people lie.  Yet some how I managed to get myself into a profession in which I get lied to more by 9am then most people do in their entire lives.  Most of these are little white lies like I need to go to the bathroom which is secret code for I need to check my phone. Or I left my homework at home means I didn't even I had homework.  Yet, there are lies that bother me.  They are the ones that are told directly to my face that piss me off.  On Friday I caught a student taking stickers off my desk.  These stickers (other than being my sons) have no value to me and are easily replaced.  When I asked her about this she told me she got them at Target.  Now please picture this conversation going down with lots of teenage attitude and head wagging.  She denied she took those stickers, and I know she did.  I am much more upset about the lying then the actual taking of the stickers (who would care about stupid stickers) but that she would lie to my face about it.  I then explained to her that I hope she would never steal from me because I would always give her whatever she needed as long as she asked for it and I had it to give.  Then I asked her again and she in her special teenage attitude said "I told you Miss, I got it at Target".

So I let it go.  I let her walk out the room.  Then I got pissed.  Really pissed-and sad.  I was pissed because of her entitled attitude (which sadly a lot of my students have).  How dare she think it is ok to steal and then lie when you get caught.  Yet, more than that I was sad.  I was sad that no one had taught this young lady that she shouldn't lie and steal.  That no one has taught her that when she has done something wrong rather than argue and give attitude she should apologize and ask to be forgiven.  I am sad to think of what happens when it isn't just stickers.  What happens when it is something bigger like a phone or money.  Then that is when real trouble will start for her.  I have let this sit for several days now and I think I might talk to her again about this.  I might talk to her about how upset this has made me, yet I struggle with if I want to do that.   I know myself if i go and talk to her and I get the same attitude I may loose my temper or get more mad and upset than I am now.  Yet, if I don't know say anything I am just allowing her behavior to continue.  I would never allow my own children to get away with acting that way and not addressing it, why would I allow this child to do so.  Thoughts bloggy world?  What would you do?