Day One of the building a better blog challenge has me thinking about how and what is this blog about.  You are suppose to think about how you would pitch/explain your blog to someone in a short amount of time.  I have spent a lot of time pissing and moaning about my weight and struggles but I felt I couldn't just write down that this blog is about my pissing and moaning.  I would then have to change the name of this blog to pissing and moaning etc.  So I spent some time brain storming what this blog is and come up with a tag line (something I could use in a signature to my posts-maybe I will have to learn how to create a signature).  Then to create and about me.  I swear I had an about me section of my blog but guess what....I don't.  So my next post o the blog is going to be my new about me post.  But I will leave you with my new tag line

ME-Mommy Etc
There is more to ME than being a Mom-that is just the most important part!

So this past week Master D turned 7.  Just typing that seems weird to me.  I feel like it was just yesterday that he was my squishy wishy little baby who was bald till he was two and just a little chunky love bug.

Seriously Cute baby!

I feel like it was a year or so ago that I went into a labor and experience all the excitement...and tram of being a new mother.  The fact that this was seven years ago blow my mind.  My little man and I have been through a lot together in seven years.  He was my soul focus during a very dark period of time when Papa Hunt first was battling depression.  He was my reason for getting up every day and not running away and hiding.  I have watched him grow into this shockingly smart and very cute young man.  I have been by his side as he has struggled with his own issues with anxiety.  That has been the hardest.  A Mama can give a bandaid and a kiss and make most boo-boo's better.  Despite my best efforts I can't stop his worrying-sometimes he like a little old man trapped in a little boys body.  Yet, despite his anxiety I have watched him form friendships and be a sweet young boy.  I have watched in awe as his body has changed from this chunky little baby with rolls and dimples everywhere to a sturdy toddler to a young man.  A few weeks ago I looked at him without his shirt on and got emotional.  He didn't have a little boy's body with a thick legs and a belly...he had a boys body with thin legs, abs where the pudgy tummy used to be,  he even had those dimples above his butt....he was a boy.  I can't imagine what a mess I am going to be when he starts to look like a man...but I will save those tears for another day.

Dylan getting ready for his party-Minion Time

Seven seems old to me and yet still ever my baby.  His birthday was bitter sweet for me.  I love to celebrate him and show him that despite all his worries that we love his sister more than him, that he is tied in the number one spot with her.  I love to celebrate and show him how important he is to us and how special he is.  It is bittersweet because with every birthday he grows just a little big older and a little bit closer to not needing me.  As much as in the middle of the night when he wakes up and needs me I dread the drudging out of bed...in reality I know that there will be a time sooner rather than later that I miss them.  So I will leave you with a few photos from his birthday....one thing is for sure...he is a silly little monkey-May this about him never change!

One of the many outtakes trying to get a photo of him with his balloons-Silly Bear

Making Minions with his sister

The finished product for his party

So I know that I have eluded to something going on at home and it isn't that I am embarrassed to share what it is, it is more that it is too hard for me often to talk about.  My son Master D has been suffering from some major anxiety.  It is something he has struggled with since he was about three and I know that I have mentioned this in the past on here but I have never really talked a lot about it.  Mainly because its not a big deal.  He has moments where his anxiety gets the better of him but we are well equipped now, thanks to a good therapist a few years ago, to handle his anxiety flair ups and we move on.  Well recently it has turned into a big deal.  My little guy has been struggling to sleep.  Not that annoying classic 6 year old I don't want to go to bed.  This is more than that.  For several weeks his sleeping has gone from a once a night pee break, to being awake hours on end.  I am not joking hours.  On the bad nights we are often up from 11:30-2 or 3 am.  

For a few weeks he was up constantly (like 15-20 times) saying he was scared or that he thought we loved his sister more than him.  Now at some level these are the things that he is thinking about but it is a classic anxiety moment.  I am anxious so I fixate on things.  It breaks my heart to see.  Our responses range from comfort, to threats, punishments, rewards, and there is always lots of tears.  His openly mine on my pillow as I stare at the clock wondering how can I teach 100 plus students on less than three hours of sleep.  The sleep issues ebb and flow. Some nights he is ok then others its is hours on end that he is up.  In fact last week we thought we had turned the corner on the issues and they started again.  His pediatrician agrees with our thought that these flare ups that involve sleep issues are related to growth spurts.  We noticed that when he has them he is eating more and often notice he is taller all of a sudden.  Yet, there is nothing definitive.  

I worry about him endlessly.  I can barely function how can he go to school and handle himself.  We have talked to his teacher and thankfully she has seen nothing behaviorally with him so that is a plus.  Yet, the lack of sleep and high levels of anxiety also make him super needy during the day.  Often we are so exhausted it is hard to meet his needs during the day.  Our parents have been helping out and we have been taking turn taking naps and sleeping in on the weekends.  I was so tired two weeks ago I had to take a day off just to sleep because I could feel I was at that point of breaking.  We will probably return to the child therapist should this continue for much long for a few more pointers on how to help our little guy.

It is just I am so exhausted it makes it hard to function.  It makes it hard to focus on my job and do all that I need to be doing in a really rough year for teachers in my district.  It makes it hard to eat right and exercise when I am so physically tired I hurt.  It is hard to think about healthy food and plan and workout when all I want is to lay my head down and rest.   It makes it hard to do those things even that I enjoy like blogging, twitter, or even knitting.  There are nights after the kids go to bed that I just sit on the couch…not because I want to but getting up is overwhelming (don't get all worried that I am depressed-nope just fucking tired).  The worst part is the sheer exhaustion is making it hard for me to do the things I know my son needs.    Which is endless patience, extra hugs and love, and more attention to get him through this rough patch.  Also, don't even get my started on how this leaves Miss J out in the cold in terms of getting her needs met attention wise


Yet there is another part of this that is crippling…and that is the guilt.  You all know I have been open about my eating issue….why do I have eating issues?…..to cope with my anxiety.  It kills me because as psychology teacher I know that a lot of anxiety issues are genetic so I feel guilty that this is all me.  I feel guilty in those moments where Dy is experiencing an anxiety moment/attack and the best thing as a mother I can do it let him work through it.  I know what it feels like in those anxious moments and how you feel like you are going to come out of your skin. All I want to do is scoop him up and make it better and I can't.  If anything my own therapy has taught me is that the best thing you can do when you have anxiety is to figure out how to cope.  As a child I had sleep issues and I joke that this is payback for what I did to my parents.  For me I wish that was just it….this is like a form of torture.  Why?  Because I remember what it was like to sit in my bed and have those same fears that he has, to feel the same way he does, and it kills me.  I know that the best thing for him is to help him learn to work through this in a healthy manner so that he can learn some coping skills, but it is hard.  It is breaking me…I am worn so thin.  Between the lack of sleep, the stress and guilt of the worry, and the regular demands of being a working mom has me in survival mode.

Those of you who know me in real life.  This is why I am not as social and why I am often hiding in my classroom or not really talking too much.   It is why I am not loosing any weight or talking about running much-I can't even think about those things yet.  Those friends and supporters online this is why as of late I have "gone dark" on the Internet.  I am hanging on desperately.  I know that this will get better, it did the last time he was struggling like this.  Just last time the other parts of my life were not as much of a mess.  

Please don't worry though-this was more of a need to get it out kind of thing rather than a I need saving sort of thing.  Although I wouldn't turn my nose up a virtual hugs or real life cups of coffee (or a pillow and a blanket for during my prep period on my classroom).  I hope all of my readers are fairing a wee bit better than myself.  

Here is a picture showing how wide the scarf is-it is somewhere between an normal scarf size and a pashmina

I know I have been a bit sporadic in posting and I wanted to stop by and wish anyone who still reads this little blog of mine a Happy Thanksgiving.  I am going to leave you with a few things I am especially thankful for this year

-My children who are healthy-I know not everyone has the luxury of saying that
-I am lucky for a husband who puts up with my level of crazy
-I am thankful for a job, although very demanding, that I take great joy in
-I am lucky to have co-workers who are funny, intelligent, and caring and make the bad days always better
-I am so thankful for a house full of people who should be arriving soon.  I have always dreamed of huge thanksgivings filled with family.  Today is truly a dream come true.
-Lastly, I am thankful the Mamavation and CT-Moms who have given me an opportunity to be part of their communities and write for them.  If you told me when I was 16 that I would enjoy writing I would have called you crazy.

So I hope you are all enjoying your day and I will leave with a few pics of my little turkeys

My little Miss J

Master J-Enjoy a last trip to the beach

Pumpkin picking this fall

Ok so its time for a little honesty around here.  I have been talking about how great Mamavation was (and believe me it was) there has been a downside as well.  For whatever reason after the campaign ended my eating disorder kicked back into high gear.  I don't know if it was the nature of weight in and pressure that I felt or maybe it was that I was working so hard and following a plan very strictly, or the stress of the end of a shitty school year but my mind went crazy.  Now thankfully I wasn't full on binging but there were days where I overate, there were a lot of times I ate crap, then felt like crap, then ate more crap because I felt like crap.  It is a viscous cycle and I hate it and often times this is very very hard to stop.  

Since I have signed up for the Mamavation Mom's I decided that there is a lot of things that I needed to change and one of them was my priorities.  Not that I am like sticking the kids off in a corner or something but I decided that somethings that I previous had dedicated time to I no longer had the time or to be honest the energy to do.  I know that if I am chosen as a Mamavation Mom-there will be a ton of my time dedicated tot he eating and fitness program along with posting for the group.  So some of the things that have changed is that I have put working out, meal planning, and tracking above some of the other things that I usually do.  No more sitting for a long time on the couch with my lap top surfing the next or watching TV and knitting.  Instead I am usually finishing a workout and showering later than normal.  As referenced in the picture below I am not keeping up with my nails.  For those who know me I am a fanatic about my nails.  Something had to give and I wanted to be healthy more than I wanted my nails painted.

Yikes they are bad with no polish on them-Mainly because I bite them

Every day my goal is to get in 10,000 steps, in distance that is about five miles.  To get that many steps in I often have to march around my house while doing chores or for the past two nights I have marched in place while watching Dr Phil!  That is certainly a chance from my usual nights after the kids are in bed!

My steps as of 8:30pm

Then finally, the biggest change is the eating.  I was asked to limit my grains to breakfast only.  I am a carb girl.  I have really changed what carbs I eat to brown rice and quinoa but to go no grains after breakfast is tough (oh yeah no sugar either, but its more the carbs I miss).  So now I have to think more consciously about what to substitute into my usual meals to replace the grains and still be eating enough good food to keep me full.

Tonight's dinner of sausage and peppers, broccoli, and my favorite roasted beets

Right before Christmas I was contacted by a great company called Black and Blum.  They are a company that makes European functional products.  The contacted me and wanted me to test out one of their food containers.  I chose to look at the Lunch Pot.  This handy little lunch container has two separate containers with leek proof lids.  They are BPA free and are microwave and dishwasher safe.  They are good sized for soups, fruit, oatmeal, or a small salad.  I used mine to carry some fruit along with a few soy crisps for my lunch.  My favorite part is that the two containers stack on top of each other lock into place, then you secure the strap and it also has an attached spoon.  I thought that was a super handy product and a great encouragement to take lunch to work.  As a teacher who only has 20min to eat I always bring my lunch and this is a nice way to keep elements of my lunch separate.  If I take soup I can do fruit in the other container, if its salad the dressing in the second part.  Now the price is a bit high for my taste of 24.00 but I would say the quality is well above what your average plastic containers are.  I would suggest if you are looking to upgrade your lunch containers to something a bit more stylish as well as environmental friendly I would head over to Black and Blum now to check them out!  My next purchase is going to be the Bento Box!

The whole container

My snack for my Prep Period

Me holding it so you can get a feel for size

Whoa I can't believe this is my fourth week already.  This has been one hell of a week.  Early in the week Kid 2 was gross, then Kid 1 got pink eye.  So bad that he missed four-YES FOUR days of school.  I am in mid term exams so in between giving exams I had to figure out who would watch the kid, get him to the doctor and then correct said exams.  On top of that the next semester starts tomorrow and I am teaching a class I have never taught before and it is an honors class so I need to be very well prepared.  Add to that I got sick on Friday.

Overall I did ok, being a stress eater I tried to eat as best as I could regardless of the chaos.  There were two days in particular that I ate why more than I should of and ate things that were not ideal choices for no other reason than I was stressed.  I have put an end to that am washing my hands and moving on.

On a good note-despite all that I worked out twice.  My goal was three times and a trip to the gym.  With the sick kids I couldn't use the daycare so I got in two at home before I got sick.  I also got an exciting package in the mail-My TAE BO SYSTEM!!!! When I lost all my weight years ago I did it a lot of my exercising with Billy Blanks so I am excited to start that this week.  There is a four week program in the box and I think I am going to try it.  Why the hell not the longest tape is an hour.  I figure I deserve to kick my own ass into gear.

How is everyone's week going.  I hope next week my post will be about my and my Billy Blanks bonding!

Happy Monday All!!!

I am wondering if every mother has those days where they are consumed by guilt. For example I feel guilty that the kids are playing and I am blogging. I felt guilty that I could not have the patience I wanted to with my son last night. My hubs had surgery a few days ago and it has been overwhelming to say the least to take care of him, and the two kids and not loose my mind. I got really upset at my son who I knew was acting out because his big strong daddy was sick. I feel guilty because I ate cookies. I am a stress eater and have been really working hard not to binge eat well yesterday was a really rough day and the only thing around was cookies. I was really upset because I am nursing and my daughter does not tolerate dairy well. So I felt really guilty for eating those cookies not only because they are bad for me but because they are bad for her too. I know that each of these things is not going to harm them in some horrible way or make them hate me when they get older but that guilt that a mother feels never seems to go away. I think that I need to realize that as long as I love them with all my heart they are going to be just find and that is all that my kids really want. Well I am off to play with the kids, my daughter J is playing with her follow me Fiona and barking at it so perhaps now is the time to get the video camera.

Work-That is the answer. I have headed back to work after a five month maternity leave and it has in plain English kicked my ass. Not only in the fact that I am not used to getting up and working all day, but emotionally as I leave my kids every day. I have never been the kind of woman who feels she needs to be a stay at home mom. I love my Job as a high school teacher and I would never think of doing anything else. But for some reason returning to work with two at home has been hard. There are days where I feel I am running a marathon. Between getting up and getting my oldest ready for daycare/preschool, getting the baby fed and ready for my father to come and watch her, dropping my son off, working all day without any real break (I have to use my one 40min planning period to pump as well as my lunch) and then it is home to get some time in with kids. I promised myself that when they are awake they will get my full attention so I don't do any school work but try to squeeze in some laundry or cleaning. By the time the kids get into bed, lunches are made and I have showered there is barely any time to do anything (hence the no blogging or posting from me) and don't even get my started on that cute guy who lives in my house who I barely get to speak to....I think he might be my husband but sometimes its hard to remember. Oh yeah and then there is that issue of exercising and weight loss that doesn't even begin to make my radar.

Then it hit me the other day (while having a loss of shit moment) that the best thing I can do for my kids is to take care of their mother. I need to carve out some me time in the hot mess that is this working mom lifestyle. I have decided that I am going to try to make a blog post and comment on blogs every other day, exercise even if for only 30 min five times a week, starting on Monday recording what I eat in sparkpeople and try to scrapbook once every other week. I need to be at least a little sane in this crazy world I live in.

Here is to a new refreshed me!!!

Apparently no one informed me at three my son would during into a broken record. The kind that will ask a question 1000 times even though he already got an answer. Now I am not talking about the kid who asks a question and gets the answer they don't like (the big NO) Im talking about when he gets the answer he does like. As we are now one day away from my son coming home and staying home with me until I head back to work in September I start to wonder if I can do it. Not the stay at home with him thing, I mean the ability not to ignore him after the first question and run naked down the street naked for the co-po to come pick me up and take me away. For those who know it may seem odd that I have a lack of patience when it comes to this, I spend my day teaching 100 high school seniors (the low level ones with discipline problems no less) but I can handle them. Then again I have a certain way of dealing with them that does not work with my son. Please see below

MY OLD JOB WAY OF DEALING WITH REPEATING
Student "Do we have homework
Momma Hunt "Your homework tonight is to read pages 100-110 and take notes"
Student "Do we need to take notes"
Momma Hunt "Nope, not all. I just said to take notes for the fun"
Student "Oh I need to take notes...OK"
(Worked like a charm)

NEW JOB WITH OLD WAY OF DEALING WITH REPEATING
(The names have been changed to protect the guilty)
Reno the Repeater "Momma may I have dessert after my dinner"
Momma Hunt "Yes Reno you may after you finish your dinner"
Reno "Momma can I have dessert please"
Momma Hunt "No, You can't, that is why I just said yes"
Reno " MOMMMMMMAAAAAA I WANT DESSERT, YOU SAID I COULD HAVE DESSERT"
Momma Hunt "help me"


You can see how my usual tactic of dealing with this no longer works! Perhaps I need to revise my strategy. Or there is always that running naked down the street option (although my post baby body is not ideal for that)

I was sort of expecting its arrival, I knew that no matter what I did, it would come on its own good time. Yet, no one told this soon to be mom of two that it would be arriving so soon. The first time around you plan for its arrival for months, you shop for it, you buy it cute clothes, you impatiently wait for it to get here so you can show it off. This time around I was thinking I would do the same thing, except for one problem.....It came early, way to early. THE BABY BELLY!!!!!!!!!!

This year unlike past years my little monkey did not want to dress up. We ended up bring his costume in a bag to daycare since he did not want to wear it on Friday morning. Of course, he put it on once I left with no problem (he always behaves at daycare, its a conspiracy I know it). Then all day on Saturday he was talking about going Trick or Treating. So after dinner of Pizza with both sets of grandparents the big moment arrived "Monkey, Do you want to get into your costume?" the reply "nope". That stayed the reply for the next half hour as grandparent after grandparent tried to convince, bride, sucker him into his cute Dino costume. Then finally momma took charge, by picking him up and wrangling him into his costume. After many a tear my little dino walked out the front door and happily trick or treated as several houses in the neighborhood. When he got home he ripped the costume off and happily retold the tale of his trick or treating to his dad and adoring fan club (the grandparents). So two days later the little Monkey is still retelling his tale of trick or treating and how fun it was. I guess he has a selective memory in regards to the costume drama!

So it is with bittersweetness that I announce my baby (sniff, sniff) is now sleeping in his big boy bed. After months of great debate in my household we decided that it was time. He had been talking about his big boy bed, yesterday at IKEA he tested out all the big boy beds and couldn't stop talking about. So we figured it was time to make the transition to the big boy bed. So today after running some errands, my husband changed the crib into a day bed and installed the safety rail. Dylan was so excited while mommy and daddy were nervous about him actually sleeping in it. Not that he would get hurt, but that he wouldn't actually sleep in the bed. Well as of 1:52pm Master D. has been sleeping for on hour in his big boy bed. Although this mommy has decided despite the hair cut and the big boy bed, he is my little boy forever (well at least until he turns into a demon beast teenager)

So today we took the little man to get his hair cut for the first time. Despite much hesitation on the part of all of his grandparents, we figured it was time. Although some people would day that a first hair cut at over two is late, the little man did not get hair until he was like one. We went to a great little place that specializes in kids cuts and he got to ride in car and played with fun toys. He was so cute while getting his hair cut but he was super serious. Almost concerned, he never cried but had this concerned look on his face. I wonder if just like his mom he was wondering if this made him a little man instead of mommy's little baby!! Then when he was getting ready or his nap he looked up from his crib and said "Kisses and hugs momma" so I leaned over and gave him his kisses and hugs and tucked him in while he snuggled his little stuffed hippo and I think we both realized he will always be my little baby, no matter how many haircuts he gets.

Having been going on my second week of being sick, I have made the official decision that Mom's don't really get to be sick (dads either to some extent). No matter how gross you feel there are still things that need to be done, hugs to be given, diapers to be changed. A week ago Monday I was so sick that I needed to enlist the help of my mom, because I was too sick to even take care of Dylan. All I kept thinking was how much I wanted someone to take care of me, fawn over me, and get me tea. It didn't happen, and that was a rude awakening. I think for some of us, me especially, realizing that you are not the baby anymore is harder at sometimes then others. For me, it was this time being sick. Now two weeks later I am still under the weather, and I realize that I have to go back to the doctor. Not for me but because it isn't fair to my family that I am still sick. Let's hope today the Doctor gives me some miracle drugs to get me back on track and feeling like me good mommy self soon.

I hope all the mother's out there had a great day. I did, mainly because I celebrated the day for what it was. I got to spend time with my mom and grandma but more importantly the two men who have made me a mother. I think more than any other time it makes me appreciate the great life I do have. I got to read books to my son, feed him ice cream (said ice creeeeaammmm by Dylan), and snuggle him close right before bed. My favorite moment of the whole day was when we changed his diaper before bed (he has a tendency to overflow the diaper if we don't change it mid way through the night) and he asked me to snuggle him. So I scooped him up and laid him down on our bed, to which I got to hear the sweet wisper of a sleepy 23 month old in my ear "love you momma". The best mother's day present ever!

Well maybe ever, the two hour nap I got was pretty good too!