So of course no one likes to loose, not one likes to be rejected...especially me. I am that person. I was class president, I was prom queen, I graduated with honors, I have even gotten almost every job I have ever applied for. Seriously, with the exception of weght loss I am usually very successful at things. Well recently I was dealt a blow to my ego. I was rejected from being a mentor teacher at my school (apparently my essay application was not strong enough and I am encouraged to work on them and apply again next year). Now I know that my writing is a weak spot with me so in theory I am ok with this rejection. Yet, it is still very hard to take. It is hard to take and not deal with rejection the way I always have in the past. By stuffing down that feeling with food. I have been doing really well without mindlessly eating, but it has been hard. It has been hard to sit with the emotions that acompany not getting something that I really wanted and felt qualified for and see others be excepted. This does not mean that I am one of those bitter people who hates the people that were selected (I don't because they are some of my dearest co-workers and greatly deserved to be chosen) it is just hard to know that you were not one of the "chosen ones". So it has been about a week and half now and honestly I have decided something....its ok to be a loser. Its ok not to always win. As long as I take something away from this experience and move forward in a postive direction being a loser is ok with me. Plus, I have a feeling that a lot us have been losers at some point in our lives and I am in good company!
So one of the blogs that I love to read
"OK, just one more beer..."
posed this question this week. It really got me thinking if I didn't weigh myself constantly how would I know I was moving to live a healthy lifestyle. When I lost a lot of weight a few years ago (prior to babies) I really had an unhealthy relationship with my scale. I become obsessed with the what it said and I allowed it really dictate my emotional well being. This time around I have figured out that I need to work on loosing weight as an overall healthiness journey. This is why I am spending more time then I would like in therapy working out what I loving refer to as "my stuff". Yet, it is still hard not to discuss success and failure by a metal object. Over the last three weeks or so I haven't been able to track (or if I am being honest didn't want to) and instead of going to hte gym I have been taking our new dog for 40 minute walks. Although I haven't been eating unhealhty or not exercising I always look to the scale to see results. After three weeks I have gained one pound. I instantly see that as a failure rather than what it is...I period of time where I am not working as hard as I could be to get to my healthy goal. That is life though...things have been really stressful at work and although I am not binge eating something has to give....that something was tracking and constant vigilance of every morsel of food. In reality though that is going to be what life is like for me Good times and bad and I think I really need to reflect and start to think about what does healthy mean...is it a number on a scale or how I live my life everyday and with every choice. I wish I could say I could live my life right now without that metal object...but honestly right now that scale is still part of my journey...not the only part but one of.
I don't do change, at least not without a fight. Hence why despite how much I want to instantly live a healthy life I haven't yet. For me change is scary, it causes me anxiety, and it gets me focused on something other than my goals of being a great healthy mom. Recently there has been a lot of rumors swirling around at my job. IF there are any glee watchers I felt the theme was fitting for my work situation. Without giving a lot of details it looks like due to budget cuts my current boss is being moved (and I love her) and she may or may not be replaced at all and if so her possible replacements make me nervous because they do not really value my discipline. I really love what I do, I am passionate about the subject that I teach and my students. The thought of having a boss who does not value those same things makes me very uncomfortable. I know that not all change is bad, that perhaps is an opportunity for me to step up and try to do more within my department. Yet, change is scary. I am one of those people that does not sit well with uncertainty and that usually leads to emotional eating. I guess it is a good thing that the only thing I packed to day for lunch was veggies, fruit, and pretzels nothing to binge on in a 10 mile radius. I know that tit will all work out but for now I am sitting her biting the crap out of my nails and a pen trying not to reach a full on freak out.
On a healthy note though despite being so crazy and not having a change to go to the gym...I have taken the puppy on a minimum of 25-30 minute walk including several hills every day since Sunday. Hey it may not be the gym but at least its something!
So many of you know I was in the running to the be next prior fat girl. This was a great honor for me to be selected as one of the nine women to have thier stories shared. Although I did not win, for me just sharing my story was a big win! Not only did I get to put my story into words, which was healing in its own right, but I made the big decision to share my story with people in my real life. Most people I work with along with my friends have no idea what I have been struggling with in terms of my weight and eating issues. Just being part of the competition has made me feel lighter and freer then I have in a very long time. I am so proud of all the other eight women in this competition with me and I am so excited for Ali to start on her journey over at Prior fat girl. As for me, I will be here plugging away and sharing my journey where I always have. For the first time in a long time I am really proud of myself. So a great thanks to Jen at Prior fat girl for the opportunity and even though I lost...I lost something more important the shame that I have felt in regards to my eating issues. Sometimes when we loose, we actually really win!
Check out the rest of my competetors here
Check out the rest of my competetors here
So I have vowed to be honest and try and post more regularly to my blog despite what happens over at prior fat girl. Well for the past two weeks there have been no gym and no tracking. Despite that I still have maintained my weight (well I didn't weigh myself this week but last week I lost another pound). There have been several reasons for this
1. My new doggy got super sick. She got kennel cough and was wicked sick, thankfully she is doing better. She is great. On the days that I have time she and I go for a huge walk of about 30-35 minutes so although I am not hitting the gym I am still exercising which is good.
2. My baby J got sick...so sick that the day after Easter we had to take her to the Children's hospital for chest x-rays. SHe is doing much better but I had to miss two days of work and she needed a lot of attention
3. My hubby is snoring. I mean a lot. Which means I am woken up on average 5 times a night. It stinks. I love him dearly but I need my sleep otherwise I am a disaster.
4. Things at work are crazy due to budget cuts and a lot of political issues there is a new rumor flying around about who is getting moved, who is getting hired, and who is fired. Now mind you none of this affects me in terms of my job but it does affect who my supervisor may or may not be and that stresses me out.
5. THE PROM........I am the junior class advisor for my school and our prom was this past Friday night. It was an amazing event and the kids looked amazing and had a great time. The problem is I thought planning my wedding was tough...well at least at my wedding there wasn't over 300 teenagers and the guests of honor did not include the school's principal and superintendent. It was crazy, I am lucky I have a great co-advisor who really made the job a heck of a lot easier.
All five of these things put together meant something had to go and it was the gym and the tracking. My goal is now on Monday to start fresh...tracking and maybe just maybe a few trips to the gym this week.
Have a great start to the week everyone!!!
1. My new doggy got super sick. She got kennel cough and was wicked sick, thankfully she is doing better. She is great. On the days that I have time she and I go for a huge walk of about 30-35 minutes so although I am not hitting the gym I am still exercising which is good.
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| Olivia getting snug in her blanket |
2. My baby J got sick...so sick that the day after Easter we had to take her to the Children's hospital for chest x-rays. SHe is doing much better but I had to miss two days of work and she needed a lot of attention
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| Baby J-Chilling and feeling a bit sick |
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| Baby J working the camera pre sickness |
3. My hubby is snoring. I mean a lot. Which means I am woken up on average 5 times a night. It stinks. I love him dearly but I need my sleep otherwise I am a disaster.
4. Things at work are crazy due to budget cuts and a lot of political issues there is a new rumor flying around about who is getting moved, who is getting hired, and who is fired. Now mind you none of this affects me in terms of my job but it does affect who my supervisor may or may not be and that stresses me out.
5. THE PROM........I am the junior class advisor for my school and our prom was this past Friday night. It was an amazing event and the kids looked amazing and had a great time. The problem is I thought planning my wedding was tough...well at least at my wedding there wasn't over 300 teenagers and the guests of honor did not include the school's principal and superintendent. It was crazy, I am lucky I have a great co-advisor who really made the job a heck of a lot easier.
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| Momma Hunt and three of her officers-Yes I got a prom dress too! |
All five of these things put together meant something had to go and it was the gym and the tracking. My goal is now on Monday to start fresh...tracking and maybe just maybe a few trips to the gym this week.
Have a great start to the week everyone!!!
