On Tuesday my wee baby turned one....sniff. When I look back at this year I get a bit emotional. Not only because my little girl has changed so much I have changed. She has gone from that newborn blob phase to a amazing little Diva with ridiculous sassy personality. My sassy little girl is the reason that I have really been trying to make changes with myself. I want to be the best mommy I can be for her and have really been trying. Some times this process of change has been easy...but I just remind myself of this fact...we don't grow up and change overnight. Just like Josie didn't go from that squishy faced newborn to a the chubby crawling diva she is now in one day. It look a lot of small changes over time for her to morph into the perfect little princess that she is. So much like her, little changes over time will turn me into the person I hope to be too. So to my baby girl...Happy birthday you have always been my moon (to your brother who is the sun). You bring me calm and peace and your quiet beauty is awe inspiring. Josephine Momma loves you and thank you for inspiring me to change!
So as my 31st bday approached I was nervous, not about getting another year older but that I would be a little over ten pounds from my bday goal. I am that person that will not be happy that I have lost 35 pounds since Janurary, I wanted it to be 50. I should be happy with the 35 but there is that part of me that said if I did more, restricted more, been more perfect I woudl have hit my goal. Yet, the new and improved me is trying to talk myself off the ledge and say 35 pounds while nursing a baby and dealling with a lot of emotional stuff is great and that I will hit that 50 pounds just perhaps a little bit after what I expected. Also, scale wise the weight I am at now is where I have been stuck in a plateua twice before on my weight loss journey. My new goal is to be at 50 by my student's junior prom in a little over a month and still strive for my end of the year goal. I don't think I am going to change my overall goals, but realize that as long as I reach them tha tis what is importnat. On a lighter note, I had an amazingly happy brithday with my family!
So I have been typing this post now for three days, deleting and retyping. Mainly because I don't want to reveal too many of my deep dark issues or hurt any one's feelings although I am fairly sure that other than a few co-workers and my cousin only other bloggers read this blog!
I have been trying to write a post on the struggles I have been having lately with not taking things too personally. As I am working on becoming the best person I can be, this has left me feeling very delicate. So something like someone not coming to my daughters party (Lexy it this isn't you) I start to question what about me makes someone not want to make this day a priority. I know there are a 100 different reason for people not being able to attend but I instantly take that personally. I know that for most people kiddie parties are a jab your eyes out experience. Other things like issues at work plague me for days. I think that if i was a better teacher/worker/coworker, these things wouldn't happen. I instantly take these things to heart when I should let them roll off my back. Yet I have never done that, I would just eat to make myself feel better and since I am not doing that anymore (ok trying not to do that anymore) it leads me to feeling raw. Exposed. I don't like it.
I like to pretend that everything is fine, that I am the pillar of strength. I know that showing emotion and letting people know that I am dealing with all this does not make me weak, but it is so out of my comfort zone! I find that I fluctuate between emotional hot mess to full on bitch. This whole new world of experiencing emotions is new to me instead of eating them away. So you can expect a more posts of how I am a hot ass emotional mess...but at least I am not sneaking around eating cake a ho-hos!
Thanks for letting me vent blog world!
So Friday it happened...it has been brewing for a week or so.....I lost my shit at work! Although I want to talk about it here, I often don't and should. I have been working really hard with my Dr. to deal with my eating issues (lets call it what it is an eating disorder). For years I have been starving myself and binge eating more binging then starving. As I am dealing with these issues it has left me feeling raw, overly sensitive, and very very emotional. You take away the one thing that helped me keep my emotions locked away and you throw in a horrible week at work it leads to a loss of shit on my part. It doesn't really matter what it was over (I was sick of doing other people's job and told my boss they should be doing there) and I got fired up at one of my many bosses at school, he called me out on it, and I got so angry I started to cry. Those huge angry tears, the ones that no matter how hard you try to stop them, they come anyways. I know I shouldn't have been but I was horribly embarrassed at my lack of control. I know. I know I showed that I was human..god the horror. But for me who has spent years and years covering up my emotions, pretending to be ok when I am not, to show my coworkers that I was really upset was a very hard thing for me. Even today as some of them check in on me to see that I am ok it hard not to be embarrassed but I know that this is part of my growth. Learning how to experience emotion and process it in a healthy way. Maybe I needed this loss of shit moment to help me on my journey of figuring out who I am!
Lets me start out by saying that I love the TV show bones....Love, love, love it! So I put one of Reichs books on my wish list a few years ago thinking that if I like the show I would like the books. Although I did like the book in the end..it took a lot to get into. I was expecting the character to be very similar to the one that I watch weekly but it was not the same exact character. After I finally got over that and into the store itself it was a decent book. I think my reading experience would have been much more enjoyable had a started reading Reichs' stories in order in which they were written rather than just a random book in the series. I think that if I had done that I would have understood some of the on going plot line that I knew I didn't get as I was reading along. All in all this was a fun read, but I would highly recomend reading the series in order. My rating on this would be 3/5 stars.
