So I have been typing this post now for three days, deleting and retyping. Mainly because I don't want to reveal too many of my deep dark issues or hurt any one's feelings although I am fairly sure that other than a few co-workers and my cousin only other bloggers read this blog!
I have been trying to write a post on the struggles I have been having lately with not taking things too personally. As I am working on becoming the best person I can be, this has left me feeling very delicate. So something like someone not coming to my daughters party (Lexy it this isn't you) I start to question what about me makes someone not want to make this day a priority. I know there are a 100 different reason for people not being able to attend but I instantly take that personally. I know that for most people kiddie parties are a jab your eyes out experience. Other things like issues at work plague me for days. I think that if i was a better teacher/worker/coworker, these things wouldn't happen. I instantly take these things to heart when I should let them roll off my back. Yet I have never done that, I would just eat to make myself feel better and since I am not doing that anymore (ok trying not to do that anymore) it leads me to feeling raw. Exposed. I don't like it.
I like to pretend that everything is fine, that I am the pillar of strength. I know that showing emotion and letting people know that I am dealing with all this does not make me weak, but it is so out of my comfort zone! I find that I fluctuate between emotional hot mess to full on bitch. This whole new world of experiencing emotions is new to me instead of eating them away. So you can expect a more posts of how I am a hot ass emotional mess...but at least I am not sneaking around eating cake a ho-hos!
Thanks for letting me vent blog world!
Tis post really resonates for me...it is hard learning to live with the emotions once you aren't eating them anymore!!! I so identify with the fragility you describe. Keep going.
Devon at Recreation :)
Go you! Once again, so impressed with your dedication and not eating to compensate- wish I could get myself into the same mindset....ps: how about a hot date with your cousin and whatever children want to come along during spring break?
Speaking as a woman who ate my way through my entire refrigerator (plus a couple of cabinets) today, in a lame attempt to NOT have to face my own feelings of frustration with life, I am TOTALLY impressed with your strength, your honesty, and your willingness to start expressing your feelings. You rock! Cut yourself some slack, and pat yourself on the back for how far you've come. You're amazing!
Well thanks for the pats on the back...I am not binging per say anymore but I often find myself eating when not hungry when I am upset so that is next on my list of things to tackle. And Lexy...do you get a vacation this year?