So I have seen this on many other blogs, so I figured now that it is summer and I am hoping to blog more, why not try something new!  So here goes

I have recently finished reading Secrets of the Tudor Court by D.L. Bogdan and I have to say that it fits my Tubor England mood well.  I have been really into this time period lately and I am fascinated by how the English lived and dealt with King Henry.  I also love reading about what life was like for women and the roles that they played.  The parts of this book that I found extremely interesting was the in depth look into the life long feud between the Howards and the Seymours .  It was a great story and did a nice job telling the tale of the numerous wives of Henry VIII as well as Duke of Norfolk.  Although not the greatest book I have ever read on Tudor England still a great read and well worth the time if you are into this Era as I am.  I would rate the book Four out of Five stars.  

So as some of you know since I have mentioned here and in post to be the next prior fat girl, I have been attending therapy to work on my "stuff".  My stuff being that I have a lot of issues surrounding eating and dealing with my emotions in a healthy and positive manner.  I really had been feeling good and feeling like I had been getting somewhere at least in the eating department.  Then the stress and anxiety surrounding some recent issues boiled over.  My hubby brought it to my attention  last night. 

I have been very overwhelmed with the end of the school year. I have more kids failing than ever and since I teach high school seniors that means that some of them will be denied graduation for the grade they earned in my class.  Although I know this is their fault, it still pains me to have this happen.  Additionally there have been a lot of changes at my work and they have been stressful.  My son Dy is going to a new school next year and getting ready for that transition has me stressed (will he like it, will he have friends, did we make the right choice, how will we get him to the school), How will out summer go?  Will it be a constant battle with my and my four year old?  Will I be able to handle the stress of being a stay at home mom?  Add to that a dear friend of mine is getting married this weekend and we have leave the kids for the entire weekend.  This is scary in its own right but also most of the people at the wedding I haven't seenten years and this may or may not include a former best friend who I had a falling out with (we have since both apologized but are not friends by any means) so I am stressed about that.  Finally, I have been having  horrible stomach issues.  I thought it might be lactose intolerance or a dairy allergy but my Dr. is concerned that it might be my gallbladder.  This has me worried but more than that getting sick almost every day is not only embarrassing and inconvient it has been wearing me out.  Mentally and physically. 

When my hubby brought this up I instantly wnated to hit him because he has been doing so well in therapy it makes me a wee bit jealous ( really really jealous actually).  I get pissed because after all this he is finally better and me (the one who held it together during his depression) is still struggling.  I know sometimes he feels like I am not doing enough in therapy or that I am not being honest with the therapist, but that is not the case.  The fact that I am not hiding in a corner stuffing my face with food over all of the above issues is an accomplishment within itself.  Yet, if I am being brutally honest with myself I am no where close to where I need to be. 

Lastely, the overwhelming nature of all of these things has me feeling frozen-stuck in this what do I do with all these emotions.  If the time of year was differnet I would get my butt to the gym, call a friend and chat, blog...but this time of the year I can't even get in going to the bathroom most days ( except when my stomach is acting up then the bathroom and I are BFF's) let alone my usual coping skills.  I know that this is what I need to work on....and I will because I am a fighter and I need to do it for my and family.... but sometimes I want to shy away from dealing with this and admitting that I am not as successful as I really thought sucks balls.

So yes I am doing ok in that I am not sitting here at my desk with hands covered in chocolate from binge eating at my desk (my former choice for dealing iwth anxiety) so instead I will continue to plug along and figure out how to deal with the stress that is my current state of being.  I will keep everyone posted on my progress!

Thanks for allowing me to vent

So lately it has been crazy at work.  The end of the semester is upon me and it means crazy grading and getting ready for exams.  Although I haven't been binging I haven't been really keeping that good track of what I have been eating.  Although I get about 20-40 minutes of exercise most days of the week walking the dog, I haven't been going to the gym.  I am hanging on by a thread.  I have managed to loose about four pounds in the last two weeks (the four I gained the previous month) but I am still stuck at 35 pounds.  I had really hoped to be at 50 for my graduation goal.  I will be close which is ok.  I am looking ahead to summer as an opportunity to focus on my fitness.  I think I want to aim for 4-5 days a week at the gym and getting in some weight training.  I know that will help with the weight loss but my overall health too.  I feel that a lot of this school year has been me hanging on by a thread as I get used to life as a working mom of two plus adding not binge eating which means I have to experience all this stress and emotion which I am not good at.  So basically I am hanging on by a thread and plan on hanging on for the next two weeks and then refocusing my self once I have more than five seconds of time!  How is everyone else out there in the blog world doing?

I can't even begin to say how much I loved this book.  It was so good that I offered all my classes a huge amount of extra credit to read it an discuss it with me.  I even suggested that we give it as a prize for a student who was winning an award in our department.  This is the amazing story of Louie Zamperini who was an Olympic runner turned war hero.  This book follows Louie from his early days in his quest to get to the Olympic through his military training and his role in WWII.  This book reads as though it is fiction because of the extraordinary circumstances that Louie lived through.  For example his plan is shot down over the Pacific and he survives for months on a raft with no food or water then is captured by the Japanese and is kept a prisoner of war.  For me it gave m ea look at WWII that I have never really read about which was what happened to those who were captured by the Japanese.  This book was also intriguing to me because of the various psychological aspects.  To see how a man can survive so much and come out the other side still a whole person. I don't want to give away to many details from the book because that is the beauty of it, realizing that this book and the things in it are not fake but something a real person lived through.  This is truly the most amazing book I have read in ages.  I think that this book is on par with my love of the book 1984 by Orwell.  It is really in my mind one of the greatest books of our time and a must read. 

Weight Goals
By July 1-50 Pounds
By Oct 1-70 Pounds
By 32nd Bday-90 Pounds

Health Goals-
By First Day of School-15 Push UPS
By Thanksgiving-Couch to 5k Completion
By Jan-25 push ups

Rewards
50 Pounds-iphone
70 Pounds-Designer Shoes
90 Pounds-Coach Handbag

I am still here and hope to post pictures soon of some of the big events happening around our house.  The end of the school year is coming up which means tons of grading, birthday parties almost every weekend, and just in general super crazy.  I have been desperately holding on to my 35 pound weight loss and just at a stand still.  My goal is to in the next four weeks try to get as close to my 50 pound weight loss goal by the end of the school year.  I am going to post some revised goals for my weight loss and healthiness later this weekend.  Stay tuned!