First and foremost let me say how glad I am to be back…both in the sense of Mamavation and in the sense that I feel like I have my head in the game.  The powers that be over at Mamavation decided to bring back the weekly blogging carnival and I am super excited.  I like that I need post weekly but I also like the inspiration that I get from those who post.

So this week's focus is goals or the dreaded New Year's Resolution.  This year I am being bold…no goals with timelines (I always get discouraged over not meeting them) No weightless Goal (its more than a number on the scale) No disappointments over not making my goals.  This year there is just one goal…one focus for 2014…..The Year of ME!  I don't mean this in a super conceded its all about me way…but that my focus needs to be on me.  My actual goal is to be Kind and Good to myself.  What that looks like in practice

1.  I will be kind in how I speak to myself….no more hating and disappointment (This of course will be the hardest thing for me

2.  I will put food into my body so that it can run and feel good (Clean foods and no dairy since I eat it and it kills my stomach)

3.  I will move my body so that I feel healthy and strong

4.  I will take time for myself and the pursuits that I enjoy (more time blogging, knitting,  journaling)so that I am a happy mom and wife

5.   I will opt out of work Drama.  This means the Drama of feeling left when not invited to things and not getting inside jokes (I need to edit this and add in some clarification-thanks Lexy for the reminder).  I know that this drama is 99% in my head….no one makes me feel left out I make myself feel this way and am sick of the self inflicted drama..  No Drama about things at work beyond my control (I will always fight for my students but some of the Drama I can opt out of).  My job is that…a job. I am a good person who is good at my job there doesn't need to be Drama.

In general I just want to spend some time rediscovering who I am.  I think often as a Mother, Teacher, and Wife I get lost in those roles and the real me gets buried.  That persons needs and desires gets lost in favor of everyone and everything else.  My hope and goal for 2014 is get back to being ME.  Which if you look at the title of my blog….that is what this place and space is all about.

So I am wishing all of you…My Mamavation Family, My readers, and My real life friends and family who read this a very Happy New Year!  Enjoy all the promise that a New Year brings!

So yesterday I had some quiet time to reflect on what has been going on in my life.  I thought about my most recent post about how I have gained some weight recently and how angry I am at myself over it. I looked at the loving comments that were left and I decided something. Although I know I won't be able to complete shed the anger and disappointment about my weight gains or lack of losses that I need to stop beating myself up.  I know the only thing that leads to is a self defeating feeling that makes me more unmotivated then ever.  I learned so much during my time of Mamavation and need to move on.  There is a quote that I love that says and I am paraphrasing here "Its not how many times you fall its how many times you get up" so here is to getting up again and trying something new.  I soul searched and I realized right now weight watchers isn't for me…I am going back as I said in my earlier post to myfitnesspal (feel to stalk me there Mommahunt16) I would love some company.  I also realized this needs to be just as I learned in Mamavation not about a number but about being healthy and for me that healthiness needs to also be mental.  So today I got up and went for a walk with my pups….trying to work on the healthy thing and realize that the scale and its stupid number will fall into line once everything else does. I need to stop obsessing and beating myself up.  Thank you again for all the kind words it helps more than you know!

This is so embarrassing to admit but I am sort of lost in terms of my weight loss journey.  I totally know what to do but I am just not doing it.  I am currently blaming my lack of motivation on work but that isn't the excuse…I am just not willing to do the hard work I need to.  Althought I have kept my weight within five pounds for the last year and half (I have lost about ten then gained and lost it again and again).  I want to kick my scale in the face, I want to kick my Weight Watchers app in the face, I am just a pissed off big girl who is sick of this being so hard.  I know this is just me in tantrum mode.  I am thankful that I am still active otherwise I know it would not be five pounds up right now it would be a lot more.  I just wish it could be easy-but I know its not ever really going to be

My other confession-I binge ate for the first time in forever.  Not the binging of old but the stuff shit in my face because I am pissed off.  Things at work have settled down to a constant level of yucky which I can deal with but there is some stupid other little stuff that has been going on both and home and at school (social stuff not actually related to my job) as well has a major project for a graduate class due in a week, and the holiday has sent me over the edge.  It is so embarrassing to say that I did it and I crying now because I am mad that I did it.  Yet I am glad it did.  It makes me realize that I need to do something.  I need to first relax and stop being nasty to myself.  I need to stop trying to be perfect and getting upset when I am not.  I just need to keep plugging away and eventually things will start to fall in line.  I wish weight loss could be easy but I know its not but its worth it.

I hate the feeling that I have when I get not he scale and it doesn't move….I know why its not its because I am eating like shit-and frankly I feel like shit to be honest. I have the least two weeks have been eating food I never do and I feel sluggish and shitty.  I know what needs to be done but I have been let myself slip in to old dangerous territory to deal with my stress.  I need to stop being a whiny bitch and do something.

Ok so now I am just whining and rambling so I like a good plan….so hear it is!

1. I ordered myself an new scale that hooks up with my phone and my fitbit so I can track weight loss and body fat as two measures of success

2.  I have decided I need to journal or blog more (I am a blogger on two to her sites that mine) I need an outlet for my stress other than the cookies

3.  My goal is to journal my food in take and try to stick with the mamavation diet I was given as much as I can (I realize with holidays it might be hard but I am going to try).  I think I will use weight watchers for now-the online subscription is not that expensive as a good tracker.  I get a bit obsessive about weight watchers but I know if i seriously like stick to something weight watchers calories I will do better

4.  Keep up with the exercise.  Emily over at FitandFreeEmily has a goal of exercise in some capacity every day (like walking the dogs counts etc).  I need to up what I am doing. Although I am heavier in weight then a few months ago I know I am way more physically fit.

So confession time is over, there is plan….I will be keeping you updated!  Thanks to everyone who reads this-especially those of you who get the whole tantrum of not wanting to do it. Yet i know all those people I have followed online have gotten to their happy healthy place but stopping the tantrums and getting shit done.  Here is to trying again….just need to remember its the getting up that counts not the falling down

Here is a picture showing how wide the scarf is-it is somewhere between an normal scarf size and a pashmina

Where I am at-surviving!  It is a crazy time of year and I am attempting to try and get my eating back on track and actually tracking with weight watchers online again.  I know that I really can't be doing meeting-time and sometimes as helpful as meetings can be I am not in the mental place to have a public weight in.  Plus, let me be honest I need to be sure that if I am paying that kind of money I need to be "in it to win it".  I have also been working out with my t25 tapes and trying to keep up with the Mamavation 2 week challenge.  I am not loosing weight but I haven't been gaining any so I will take what I can!  

Other than that things at school have calmed down a bit (or maybe I have) either way I will take it!  Sadly my little lady is sick-I can hear her coughing while she is sleeping so sad.  Other than that, I am trying to keep my head above water in my grading and I have a graduate class that is due by the first week of January and my goal is to have it done by Dec 22 so I can have my Christmas vacation dedicated to fun with the family!