I have always loved Kirstie Alley and thought that she was one funny and sassy bitch.  About a year ago while following her on twitter I saw that she was writing a book.  Once it was up on Amazon I purchased the book on pre-order.  Although my hubby read me a review of it and it was a horrible review but I said you know what I love her I am going to read it anyways (plus I bought it so might as well read it). Well lets be honest it wasn't a prize winning book here, but it sure as hell was funny.  It was a look into her life and all the men that have played a role in her life.  I really had a lot of laugh out loud moments while reading.  Just like she is on twitter and probably in real life, she is candid and straight forward and very funny.  Yet, oddly my favorite aspect of the book is when she talks about her religion.  To be fair I know nothing about scientology other than what I have seen on South Park and read in tabloids.  I liked how she explained her relgion and gave an inside look into some of her fundamental beliefs.  Although I know this is only one very small look into the relgion it was fascinating look into the relgion.  I would say anyone who likes Alley should pick up this book, it is a quick and enjoyable read.  Yet, because I know it wasn't the best written book ever for the general reader I will give it 3 out of 5 stars.

A few months ago I was sent samples of Adore Calcium supplements.  I have been thinking that for awhile I really need figure out how to get more calcium in my diet.  Since I am lactose intolerant I don't eat dairy so my calcium intake is limited.  Yet, I just couldn't bring myself to buy those gross chewy chocolate supplements and even the gummie ones taste weird.  Well welcome to my world Adore.  To be fair I was very skeptical that these would taste good.  I figured they would be chalky tasting like most chocolate supplements, but these were shockingly good.  I mean really really good.  To me these chocolate supplements are so good that I bet anyone could eat one and they would never know it was a supplement.  In fact I gave some to my mom who is also lactose intolerant to try.  She called me the next day and asked where could she buy them because they were so damn good.  My only complaint about them and it is wicked minimal is that the milk chocolate has milk in it so if you are lactose intolerant like me you would only be able to enjoy the dark chocolate variety.  So listen-I am serious how often do you get to eat chocolate and it was good for you and they are about 8 bucks a bag and contain 30 chocolates.  .  A few other pluses before I end this post.  These babies are gluten free, no corn syrup, and contain 50% of your daily calcium in take.  Go get some right now!  Go, they are only just a click away.

I haven't really been posting much and it has a lot to do with that I am enjoying my holiday with my kiddos.  For those with young children you all know how much fun little kids are and also how exhausting.  As far as weight loss I am still at a standstill.  Not any heavier not any thinner which I guess is ok considering it is the holidays.  I am looking to get my ass motivated with the new year.  I has hoped lat year would be my year to loose a lot of weight again, but instead I got healthy mentally and worked on my relationship with food which in the end is way more important.  I am not saying that my eating is spot on all the time but I have found other ways to cope then eating.  To be honest though with the whole newtown thing there were days where I wanted to stand in my kitchen and stuff my face till I puked just to not have to think about it anymore.  Did I overeat yes.  To the point of getting sick no....

My plan right now is to enjoy what is left of my vacation, enjoy my kids, enjoy some time to regroup.  I hope all my readers are enjoying their time with their families and this holiday season

I was hoping to sit down this weekend to blog about my recent weight loss ventures and catch up on product reviews instead I am a left trying to process what has happened.  I am a mother and teacher from CT.  I have friends who work in Newtown public schools.  I have a kindergartener who I send to school every day.  I have a classroom of students who I know I would give my life for in a heart beat.  For all those reasons there are truly no words for what I feel right now.  My two worst nightmares have come to life (a tragedy at my school and loosing my babies) just for someone else.  That doesn't make it any less scary that is not real for me-it is real.  There is no more telling myself it couldn't happen in CT, there is no more denial that although tragedy might strike my HS or my husbands but never my kids school.  No one could possibly hurt little babies, but they did.  There is no more hiding and no more denying that this sort of thing couldn't happen because it did.  My heart is broken

There are no words for a day like today-None

I am sitting here posting this blog while a sweet little lady sits beside me watching Sofia the first for the 50th time and still loving every moment of it.  Yesterday for me was a particularly rough day.  I know I have mentioned it before but not recently that Dylan my oldest suffers from anxiety and yesterday was a rough one for them, if I am being honest it has been more like a rough few weeks for him.  After a long day at work, and then a really long afternoon with the kids I was ready to throw in the towel and be grumpy about it.  I was just ready to post on facebook and then I saw a post from the #teamrobby page.  His mom was posting (I am summarizing here) that she was taking her son home because although he had a horrible brain injury he could breath on his own but had to much damage and was not going to be able to be rehabbed.  So here was this mother talking about bringing home her horrifically brain damaged child who would never be a "normal"child again and how was she going to move on with her life.  Suddenly I felt like a really huge A-hole.  Yes my kid has some anxiety issues, and yes that makes my life hard sometimes but not hard like this mom.  I can't imagine the pain that she is experience having had a child who is perfectly healthy one day and the next be basically brain dead taking them home to give them 24 hr care for the rest of their life.

My thoughts then went to a friend of a friend who after nine months of a healthy pregnancy had some complications during birth (don't know and didn't want to know more of this horrific story than I already did).  The baby was severely brain damaged and had a spinal cord injury.  The parents had to make a horrific decision and decided it was best for the child to be given up to someone who could provide the child with the 24 hour medical care it would need.

Here are two people who are living any parents worst nightmare.  A perfectly healthy child (or baby) and then some horrific life altering accident takes away your hopes and your dreams and the essence that is your child.  My heart breaks for these mothers.  For a loss that I can not even begin to comprehend and selfishly do not want to.

I realized that in my moment of self pity-there are these women and hundreds just like them that would give anything just to life my life (even on my kids worst days) for a moment.  To have the joy that I get to experience with my kids.  To enjoy the quiet moment I am having right now with Josie watching Sofia (although she is currently jumping on the couch).  So I took my pity party and shoved it out the door.  Yes there will be bad/hard days with my kids, but I am blessed to HAVE days with my kids.  I am a very lucky duck!

In hopes of getting my shit in gear in terms of my weight loss I decided to join a challenge to help keep me focused on an track from now until Christmas.  The challenge is run by one of my bloggers I follow Lindsay over at Lean Green Bean.  I am looking forward to really getting down to business.  I have been spending some time realizing that I am in a good place and despite that things are crazy and I can't always exercise when I want to what I do have control over is what and how I eat.  So my plan spend the next six weeks focused on me and getting healthy before the holidays!

As I get ready to have friends and family I felt that I should take a moment to share what I am most thankful for

So it has come to my attention that I may be a judgemental B.  I wish it wasn't true but I am starting to realize that I often judge people by just a few pieces of what I see about them.  I can't go into too many details because I am starting to realize that people in my real life actually read this blog but I will just give loose references to get my point across.

I know that I often judge people who have a lot of money.  I sneer at how they spend there money, think to myself how nice it must be for money to not matter and to be able to buy what ever it is your heart desires and not think about it.  I often judge and think that they do not live in the real world.  Yet if I am being honest, I am judging them because I am jealous.  I wish I could buy things like they do.  I wish I could live a lifestyle like that.  I am judging them for no other reason than jealousy.

Another example is political beliefs.  I am often admittedly to liberal for my own good.  I find myself casting a stink eye at those with a republican flair to them.  I often think how could a woman allow her rights to be taken away, how could someone not want to take care of those less fortunate in society.  Yet, in reality I am just unwilling to look deeply at my own beliefs and be willing to have them challenged by others

The final example is the one I will be most vague about.  I have cast a few unsightly judgements about some of the people I work with.  I often see how they interact with other people and cast judgements on them.  I know that recently I have done this a lot and I think it has to do with certain of my own insecurities.  I know that I am judging them not on my own personal knowledge of them but perhaps gossip or snap judgement by a few interactions I have seen them in. 

Well I was recently proven wrong and it has made me think that maybe I am a bit too judgemental.  I do think it is part of human nature to make judgments on people.  I just know that I am not happy with this aspect of myself.  I think that I need to stop getting wrapped up in gossip, my own insecurities/personal stuff, and snap judgements and really take a step back.  Take a moment in the case with the people I work with be sure I know the real them, in the case of the first two items to take a moment and think about why I feel the way I do.

I know this is a bit of rambling but it was something that I needed to get out and off my chest.  So what about all you...do you judge others more than you should?

Jayne Larson was an out of work actress and took a job as a chauffeur to make ends meet.  She had an amazing opportunity to make some great money but being one of the many drivers for members of the Saudi royal family.  Larson wrote about her experience in the book "Driving the Saudis".  I felt that this was an unique look into the lives of the Saudi royal family and their staff.  It was an amazing look into a group of people who we normally do not get a look into their lives.  There were two specific aspects of this book that I really enjoyed.  The first was that Larson talks about her own observations and reactions to working with the Saudis.  The reason I like it was because she spoke of her own gut visceral reactions to what she saw and experiences with this royal family.  I liked that she talked about those positive experiences she had with the family as well as some of those more non flattering aspects of life with the family.  The second aspect of the book that I really enjoyed was the relationships that Larson formed with the staff of the royal family.  The way in which she describes the staff of the royal family, their life, and how they dealt with their position with the family was amazing.  It made me feel connected to those staff members the way that she was when she was driving for the family.  There were a few flaws in my opinion with this book, I thought sometimes the structure jumped around a bit and it ended very quickly (which that is how her job ended) but I felt it needed a bit more closure.  That Boeing said I really thought it was an exciting look into the royal family and a lifestyle that most people never get to see up close.  I think Larson does a nice job of showing us her insight into his unique royal family.  Overall I would give the book 4 out 5 stars

Fat Girl-Fairy Boy despite its horrific title was a very original book that I highly enjoyed.  According to its publisher the book is "Is a Darkly Humorous Tale of Family, Friendship, and personal discovery".  The book follows a film star Frie and her gay stylist Robin Morris through an incredible journey of their kidnapping.  Although I really did like the story of their kidnapping, imprisonment, and then escape what I really liked more was the back story that the book provided.  Throughout the book, but mainly located in the early part of the novel was the early stories of both Frie and Robin.  Frie's early years look into her horrific childhood and her soon to be obsession with her looks, weight, and need for food.  For me it was an amazing look into the comfort and power that food can have and how even in the most beautiful women there is comfort found in eating and food.  Robin's back story was also fascinating and a look into the life of a child who has been bullied and his evolution from a wimpy little boy into a strong male by the end of the novel.  On the downside there were parts of the story that were a bit outlandish that I just wasn't buying into (Yes, I know its fiction).  Yet, that being said the character development in this story was really excellent.  Overall I would give this 4 out of 5 stars.  

Friday at work we were having a lively discussion at lunch.  We often do and sometimes that discussion turns a bit negative which it has to be...as any teacher knows that faculty room is a place to vent, get your frustrations out there so you don't unleash on a kid.  I usually take comments in that room for what they are...people venting etc.  I hardly ever take them personally or get upset by them.  Well on Friday one of my coworkers made a comment that got me so upset that if it had been made anywhere but the faculty room of my building I would have unleashed a wrath like no other.  The person who said it is not a friend exactly but not someone I dislike or have any issues with.  The comment they made came out of a place of ignorance as well as not thinking about how her comment came across.  The comment she made was referencing how as we blend our class levels together (putting the high level kids in with lower level kids) what parent would want their kid to be in a class with "those kids".  She then went on to suggest that "those kids" are the ones that bring weapons to school and do drugs.  I quietly replied before I could shut my mouth "umm...as if those kids are the only ones who do drugs" and she acknowledged that her comment was a bit unseemly.

Yet the longer I sat there the more pissed I got....I am not talking mad, I am talking pissed off Momma Bear.  "Those Kids" are the ones I have taught my entire career.  "Those kids' who may be in a lower level academically are some of the greatest children I have ever met.  "Those kids" are the reason I love teaching and I would teach "those kids" over an AP or honors class any day.  I know that her comment came from a place of not typically teaching lower level kids and mainly advanced kids.  Yet the longer I sat the more mad I got.

I began to think of my former students.  The young man who was always having a hard time keeping himself out of trouble in my room and in the building but tried his hardest because he had one goal...to be a police officer.  I just saw him a few weeks ago, driving his squad car around the town I work in.  He is now a member of town's police force.  Or I thought of another young man who was charming with a smart ass mouth who although smart didn't always apply himself.  He had a goal too...he wanted to a Marine.  He was recently severely wounded while serving a tour of duty protecting my freedom.  Despite his injuries now that he is recovered and he has made it clear that he plans to stay in the Marines.  Then there is my Billy, the boy who is like my son.  The boy who came to the hospital after Josie was born to check on me not visit the baby.  Billy who wrote me and my kids letters from bootcamp. The boy who when Ryan was ill mowed my lawn, racked my leaves, and shoveled by driveway.   The kid who is currently working on getting his EMT certification so he can be a paid firefighter instead of just the volunteer one he already is.  Billy who who while most of us sat in our houses during the hurricane was called up by the National Guard to help deal with the flooding along the shoreline.

All of these boys have an amazing sense of character, are great young men, and each of them I would consider a hero in his own way, and they all have one thing in common.

THEY ARE ONE OF THE "THOSE KIDS"

This is why I am so upset because for every kid who might meet that teacher's stereotype I have ten that  examples of students who have been amazing successful both in school and life despite the fact that they never took an honors class in high school.  I am a Mama Bear when it comes to "those kids".  Those kids are the reason I love my job and I am fiercely defensive of them.  How dare someone ever tell a child that they can or can't do something because of Thieu rank in school, how dare someone in a position of power judge a child just because of the classes they are in.  I will defend "those kids" with every breath I have the same way I would defend the children I have given birth to.  

I know that this comment was made jokingly and not as a direct attack by any means.  It just blows my mind how any teacher even on their worst day would say that about the kids.  Yes, some of them are bad kids-there are bad kids in every school and in every level of courses.   To lump one group of kids together just because of their academic ranking makes me sad...well lets be honest it makes me mad and sad.

This happened two days ago and I am still upset, still wavering between tears and wanting to throw things around in anger.  I know that I have to let this comment go-take it as a stupid comment by someone who is a good person- and I will let it go but just not right now.  I am a Mama Bear whose babies just got attacked it might take awhile before my fur goes down.

taking deep breath now and hoping hitting publish will make me feel better

As I mentioned last week I have been struggling on the weight loss front, ok let me be honest it can not be a struggle if you aren't trying.  So let me say I have been having a lack of motivation.  Today I had to stay home with my wee little lady.  We had to make an emergency trip to the doctor and it was scary but things are ok now.  So after reading a few blogs from some great ladies like Leslie @bodywontbreak and Jess @apilgrimsoul and there goals for the next month or so.  So I decided to really think about what I want to achieve.  My overall big goal is to hit onderland sooner rather than later.  Yet, I know the best best is to go in small chunks not related to a number on the scale.  So here are my goals from the rest of November
    1. Track every day from Nov 2-Dec 1
    2.  Drink 6 glasses of water a day
    3.  Exercise three times a week

Ok so there it is is...I will see where that takes me from there.  Happy November All

A month or so ago I got a very lovely package in the mail.  It was a popcorn delivery from Rocky Mountain Popcorn.  They were generous enough to send me several samples of their high end gourmet popcorn.  Now I love popcorn and it is one of the treats that I rarely eat anymore because of this whole lactose intolerance thing.  Below you will see photos and a brief review of the flavors they sent me.


This was my all time favorite.  It was like smartfood but on crack.  It as so good and with lots and lots of yummy cheesy goodness.  I also thought that 150 calories for a fairly large one serving bag was a good deal in terms of a nice treat




This cinnamon sugar was the only popcorn I didn't like and it had nothing to do with popcorn itself it was just my own personal tastes.  Unless it is Carmel or chocolate covered I do not like sweet popcorn at all.  I think if you had sweet tooth this would be a nice option









This flavor was my second favorite.  I was the same yummy white cheddar with just a titch of heat added to it.  The only reason I didn't place it as my number one favorite was sometimes I am not in mood for spicy (although that is almost never but still).  A nice option if you are looking for something different.










Overall I thought the quality the popcorn was amazing and the flavoring was better than anything that you can get in the store.  If you are looking for a nice gift to give someone this holiday season this would be a nice option.  Also, if you are really into popcorn and are looking for an indulgent treat I would highly recommend Rocky Mountain Popcorn

I know I am probably violating some sort of blog code of ethics in which I shouldn't talk about religion or politics but oh well....its my blog and as Cartman from South Park would say "I do what I want".  

Here in the Hunt household we are getting ready.  Last year we mocked those panicking and running up and stocking up on supplies for an October snowstorm.  We laughed "who worries about a little snow in October".  We were laughingg right up until we lost power while I had 8 pounds of pork carnitas on the stove and then didn't have power for eight days.  It was one of the worst experiences we have been through as a family in that we were displaced out of our home, the clean up from downed trees was super expensive, and we lost all of the food in both of our fridges.  So needless to say I may have a bit of PTSD when it comes to storms.  

I am ready, maybe too ready.  I have a list of things the kids can do, I have tried to eat all the food in my fridge and freezer with still leaving us food for a few days with no power, and I have stocked up  on batteries and flashlights.  I sent Papa Hunt out in the height of the frenzy to look for batteries and flashlights and when he wasn't finding any I panicked and overnighted flashlights with batteries to my house to be delivered today because the hurricane was suppose to arrive tomorrow.  Poor bastard in the UPS truck will have to deliver my batteries in the friggin storm.  Sorry buddy-I panicked!  (I love my UPS man he is a hottie and he leaves bones for my dogs)

I have a better plan this time around....should we loose power we are heading to my school which is the shelter for the town I work in.  We have a full generator which means I can lock my family in my classroom and have full power, heat, and a smart board that can run movies, and wifi....considering what we lived in last year that is heaven on earth.

Yet I know with every fiber of my being because I have prepared so well, nothing will happen because well, that is life!

So maybe I have been lucky, or maybe I am just not well known enough in the blogging world to have never experienced an Internet meanie yet....well that all changed this week.  I posted a review on a book that I really enjoyed.  I enjoyed it for a multitude of reasons it was informative, relative to what I teach, and just interesting in general.  Well apparently a woman on amazon where I posted my review thought it was her place to tell me that because of my opinion I must be a bad teacher and an all around bad person.  At first a just laughed and was like....."seriously you have time to comment on a person's review on amazon" then I got pissed.  I don't care if I ripped the book apart or called it the greatest book I had ever read in my whole damn life the things that woman said to me she had no right to say to me, or anyone else ever.  I would never ever say those things to a person I really disliked and had committed some great wrong against me I could not imagine saying this a total stranger.  If you are interested here are the comments 

Then I started to think about this...I am an adult and I responded to this in adult manner and told that lady she had no right to say those things to me and make those accusations then I had a good laugh at this woman and clearly her major issues.  As an adult I know how to process this sort of thing, get pissed off,and move on.  What about my students who are surrounded by this sort of hating all the time.  They get this sort of commentary all day long from facebook, twitter, and texting.  They are surrounded by this all the time.  It makes me sad for them.  Sad that it wasn't like I was in high school where if someone was being a jerk to you-you went home to house and shut the door and tried to forget about.  Now there is no safe place for them to get away from negative comments and the sort of nastiness that I came across this week.  

Although I did get upset I know I will not change what I do, how I do it, or who I am because of this troll on the internet....yet I know everyday there are kids whose whole lives are destroyed by stuff like this and for that I am really really angry.  I am angry that an adult woman would do it and not know any better.  Shame on her and anyone else out there who acts like that towards others.  

So as many of you may have noticed (assuming I have regular readers) I haven't been posting much about weight loss and my weight loss effort.  There are three reasons for that

1.  I am trying not to be obsessed with a number on the scale and learn that I don't need to live in extremes (So no extreme dieting and no binging) and for a long time that has worked and I have been simply maintaining my weight for almost a year and no binging which is huge

2.  I have been so crazy busy I have been barely keeping my head above water let along concentrating on my weight loss

3.  In past three weeks, I have noticed the scale has stayed up (not just one of those bad days where it bounces up, but staying up.  So in the past month and half I have gained six pounds.

God I hated to admit this, I so had wished this was a fluke.  Not so much.  So after months and months of maintaining the same weight with in a pound or two I have had my first real gain.  At first I was angry but then I took a moment to reflect on why.

As my life recently has gotten more crazy with work and home demands I have been going to the gym less.  Even though my gym has child care, most days when we get home past four if I go to the gym that means the kids go to bed an hour later than they should be so often I have been skipping the gym and not working out at home because I am so fucking tired at night.  Also, although I am not binging I have been noticing that certain foods that I normally wouldn't eat have been creeping into my life.  Not that any food is bad, but eating a cupcake or brownie when I really don't want one is.  I treat every now and again is ok-Several times a week is not.  Also, the more tired I get the more coffee I consume which means the less water.  So clearly it is no secret why my weight has gone up and stayed there.  It means I need to start to put some focus back on to this part of my life and really think about my weight loss and decided what I want to do about it.  It is weird I am starting to be ok with myself which is a great thing, but it is leaving me increasingly unmotivated.  I think the key for me will be to find a balance between healthy non obsessive weight loss and being happy with myself and my body where I am at this given moment.  Sounds easy right???  Yet, those who are on a weight loss journey know that this is way easier said than done.

I know I have said this 1000 times but I am a lucky girl in that book companies give me books to review.  It never gets old when I get asked to review a book that sparks my interest.  I was recently asked to review a book that I couldn't say no to...it was called Sybil Exposed-The extraordinary story behind the famous multiple personality case.  Admittedly I had ever seen the movie or read the book Sybil despite the fact that I teach psychology.  So I went into this book only knowing general information about the story of Sybil.  This book was AMAZING!!!! Seriously one of the best non-fiction books I have read.  Probably second to Unbroken.  The writer is Debbie Nathan who is a journalist so this book reads as though you are reading the transcript to a 20/20 special.  Throughout the book you get to find out the real story of Sybil, her therapist, and the writer of the book.  What you find out is shocking...like shock and awe shocking.  It becomes clear to Nathan throughout her research that the real Sybil was not as sick as was portrayed in the book. That through a combination of embellishments by her doctor and the writer her real mental illness was nothing like what was portrayed in the book Sybil.  Also, more disturbing was the fact that her therapist partially made up her diagnosis and didn't help Sybil get better, she often times made her worse.  Including implanting memories into her subconscious while Sybil was highly drugged and under hypnosis.  This book touches on so many aspects of the things that I teach in my psychology class. It discusses medical ethics, proper scientific method, and a doctor's responsibility to keeping her patients needs first rather than the what he/she thinks is best.



At the end of the this book I found myself questioning something that I never had before-Is DID (multiple personality disorder's new name) as prevalent as doctor's say it is.  This book points out that Sybil and her case led to a huge rise in multiple personality diagnosis and this case was not even real.  So scary to think that because of this how many people have been given a false diagnosis.  Also at the end of this book I felt sad for the real Sybil.  She had her mental health manipulated and as Nathan points out she could have lived a much more normal life then she did.  She was forced into a a life of illness and infamy that she did not really deserve.  I would give this book five stars and for me it is a must for anyone who is interested in psychology or mental illness.

I have spent a lot of time over the last year or so trying to deal with my own lies.  The lies about everything being perfect etc.  So I hate when people lie.  Yet some how I managed to get myself into a profession in which I get lied to more by 9am then most people do in their entire lives.  Most of these are little white lies like I need to go to the bathroom which is secret code for I need to check my phone. Or I left my homework at home means I didn't even I had homework.  Yet, there are lies that bother me.  They are the ones that are told directly to my face that piss me off.  On Friday I caught a student taking stickers off my desk.  These stickers (other than being my sons) have no value to me and are easily replaced.  When I asked her about this she told me she got them at Target.  Now please picture this conversation going down with lots of teenage attitude and head wagging.  She denied she took those stickers, and I know she did.  I am much more upset about the lying then the actual taking of the stickers (who would care about stupid stickers) but that she would lie to my face about it.  I then explained to her that I hope she would never steal from me because I would always give her whatever she needed as long as she asked for it and I had it to give.  Then I asked her again and she in her special teenage attitude said "I told you Miss, I got it at Target".

So I let it go.  I let her walk out the room.  Then I got pissed.  Really pissed-and sad.  I was pissed because of her entitled attitude (which sadly a lot of my students have).  How dare she think it is ok to steal and then lie when you get caught.  Yet, more than that I was sad.  I was sad that no one had taught this young lady that she shouldn't lie and steal.  That no one has taught her that when she has done something wrong rather than argue and give attitude she should apologize and ask to be forgiven.  I am sad to think of what happens when it isn't just stickers.  What happens when it is something bigger like a phone or money.  Then that is when real trouble will start for her.  I have let this sit for several days now and I think I might talk to her again about this.  I might talk to her about how upset this has made me, yet I struggle with if I want to do that.   I know myself if i go and talk to her and I get the same attitude I may loose my temper or get more mad and upset than I am now.  Yet, if I don't know say anything I am just allowing her behavior to continue.  I would never allow my own children to get away with acting that way and not addressing it, why would I allow this child to do so.  Thoughts bloggy world?  What would you do?

Ok so we all know that motherhood is littered with guilt for a 100 different reasons.  Well my latest involves the Catholic Church.  Ok well let me know be so dramatic here.  I signed Dylan up for his first little season of soccer.  It is the first time on a little team and playing real games (if you can call them that).  Well I also got a notice over the summer that CCD was starting at our local church for kindergartners.  It is on Saturdays which I thought was crappy, but whatever it started the week soccer ended so I figured they must plan that so there is no overlap.  Well they couldn't get enough coaches so soccer got delayed by two weeks so now there is a two week overlap. Both soccer games and CCD on the same Saturdays.  Now I was hoping it would work out that our games wouldn't conflict by no such luck.  The worst part the first day of CCD is team picture day so if Dylan goes to soccer and to the picture he would miss the first day of CCD. Then the last game of the season (where I think they give out medals) is also a conflict.  

So I asked the hubby, who I imagined would be of no help because lets just say his stance on the god thing and my stance on the god thing are a bit different.  He suggested that we send him to CCD because lets be honest he won't remember and won't even know he missed the team photo....he is five and he doesn't really know the kids on the team because he goes to a magnet school anyways.  

I just feel bad because he really loves soccer and lets be honest about CCD as much as I am pro God and pro CCD soccer is a way better deal to a five year old!  So I think I know that I will have him miss his last two weeks of soccer, but I feel bad. Yet, I know I will feel bad having to call him out of CCD not for a major conflict but for soccer.  Damn you Catholic Guilt....Followed by Damn you mommy guilt!!!

I finished Fallen a long time ago but have never gotten around to writing its review.  The first thing I will say is I almost gave up on this book.  I really was not into in the beginning, but I figured I would give it 100 pages and if I still hated it I would move on.  Well there hit a point and I was sucked in.  This book is a story about the world post end of days.  It centers around a mother who is traveling with her own daughter, and several other children she has picked up along the way.  Each child seems to have a special ability (well everyone does it is a side effect of whatever brought the end of the world as they knew it).  She comes across a tribe of men and is willing to do whatever it takes to keep her band of children safe.  This quickly turns into a love story, but it much more than that.  It is a love story and a story of survival.  What I think I loved most as although it was a love story, it wasn't your simple boy meets girl.  It was much more complicated than that.  The main character was still technically married and didn't know if her husband was alive or not, the man she fell for may or may not have helped bring about the end of the world, and there is the constant threat of death and destruction at every corner.  It really picked up and was a nice quick read.  It is part of a planned trilogy and I am eagerly awaiting the other two books.  Although not a five out of five definitely a solid four out of five in the ratings and a great quick read.

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One of things that I have been working very hard on in therapy and on my own for months now is to stop caring so much about what other people think of me.  To be confident in who I am an the choices that I make.  As easy as this sounds, it is hard.  This is clearly something I should have done when I was a teenager but I was to busy pretending to be happy all the time that I never did the growing up that most women do in their teens and 20's.  So now I have been taking my time trying to realize that the only opinion that matters is my own.  As I am starting to get away from the constant need to be in people's good graces, to be liked by everyone, to be everyone friends.  I feel like I am seeing the world for the first time.  I feel like I am opening my eyes for the first time.

Sadly, there are times that now my eyes are open I am not always liking what I see.  What I am starting to find out is the people who I cared so much about what they thought of me.  The people who I spent time obsessing about, analyzing conversations, hoping that I didn't upset them etc...I am finding that they are not always the greatest of people.  I don't mean that these people are awful individuals, that is not what I mean.  What I mean is that maybe they aren't as nice as I thought, maybe they aren't nice to others (which for me is a huge thing), or maybe they are selfish or self centered beyond all belief.  I have started to see that those who I spent so much time caring about are people who should not be getting my time and attention.  They don't deserve it.  Not to say that I need to cut out all these people in my life, I am just saying that these people who I have spent time caring about their opinion of me...well frankly they are in no place to judge me.  Also, if I am being honest I am in no place to judge them.  I am just saying that when I look at people without seeking their approval I see them in a different light...perhaps the light they should have always been cast in.  Needless to say all this self work is an eye opening experience. 

 

I am sitting here today enjoy my day off (it is a Jewish Holiday so I get the day off) it is cool and crisp. I had a manicure and pedicure and got my nails done in a lovely dark red color.  I am going pumpkin picking this weekend and to a mum festival.  I love fall, but it sort of just hit me that my summer is over.  My time with my family is not back to being limited.  Admittedly, I am having a rough start to the school year and the transition back.  I have a lot of grading, lots of pressures with new initiatives, and I find myself longing for the leisurely life that was my summer.  As much as I love fall and the new beginnings that it brings it has been a wee bit hard letting go of my summer.  Letting go of summer makes me let go of time with my kids and that is the hardest letting go there is.  As much as I know that I couldn't have been a stay at home mom with a baby....I think now I would give everything to be at home with my little Josie, to take Dylan to school everyday.  Yet, that is just not in the cards.  So I must bid farewell to my summer and move on to fall with a sad heart, but with the promise of all the awaits me.

A few months ago (yes I am very, very behind in my blog) I recieved a few snacks from Navitas.  They sent me Hemp Power Snacks and a 3 Berry Cashew trail mix.  Now I was not really optimistic about these snacks....when looking at the ingredients I wasn't holding out too much hope.  After trying them I really enjoyed the trail mix which was vegan and had a very nice selection of berries and nuts as well as Caro nibs.  It was very enjoyable and very reasonably priced at 4.00 for the bag.  Which for something with really really good berries and cashews.  Now, I will be honest I did not really enjoy the Hemp Power snack, it was sort of bitter and had an odd consistency.  Now mind you I am a consistency freak so there are a lot of things I don't enjoy because of texture.  So just to be sure I was giving the product a fair shake, I sent it home with a good friend who does not eat any sugar, glutten, and is a vegan.  She loved them and thought they were a delicious treat.  I thought the price of these snacks at 6 dollars for the bag was also a reasonable price.  Addition to what they sent me they also sell smoothie mixes, chia seeds, and other healthy foods.  So if you are in this healthiness journey and want to try a few new products why not head over twww.navitasnaturals.com.  

We all know what happens when bloggers, especially those who discuss weight loss go away!  Well I promise I am not gaining tons of weight...after a summer of not doing much other than working on me and family time, I am at the same weight I have been for over a year.  You know what I am ok with that, but that is another post for another day.  This school year has started off crazy.  Baby J who isn't really a baby has started at daycare/preschool and Dy is now in kindergarten and riding the bus.  This has made for a whole new schedule.  Plus we have several new initiative at our job that are overwhelming to say the least.  Add to that the first week of school the principal calls me down as says "hey lets do a trip with the freshman class, and since you are the freshman advisor you can organize it"....well it didn't happen exactly like that.  Since I love my Principal and I love the idea of a bonding trip I said ok....not realizing what planning a trip for almost 300 in less that three weeks would entail. I am so excited to go tomorrow, but I have been a crazy woman....like wild hair crazy woman.  I have stopped reading blogs, checking twitter, and have no idea what anyone on facebook is doing.  Shocking I know!!  Add to that I am suddenly sick and have lost my voice.  Any other time I would have called out sick the last two days but I can't because I needed to get ready for this trip.  I am hoping to enjoy myself tomorrow, take a sick day to get better on Thursday and finally start to get back into a routine.  I love a routine.  I need a routine.  I hope to catch up on my blog reading and blog writing soon.  How is everyone out there in the blog world??

Over the past few months I have amassed quite a collection of cookbooks, but haven't had much time even in the summer to try out recipes.  So my new goal for the next few weeks will be to pick a recipe from one of new cookbooks, test it out, then review the recipe and book here.  So first up is a beautiful little cookbook titled Vegetarian 101 edited by Perrin Davis.  Now as I mentioned before I have been wanting to eat more vegetarian and vegan cooking and most of the cookbooks I received were just that.  This book is just what I was looking for.  Unlike some other books I have seen recently, this does not have a recipes that have tons of random ingredients that I might only be able to find at nice, yet very expensive whole foods.  This book as longs of great recipes that are down to earth and several are very kid friendly (or in my case Husband friendly).  The recipe that I decided to try out was Orecchiette (little hat pasta) with Artichoke hearts, mushrooms, and peppers.  It was a great dish with lots of flavor and very, very easy to make.  We loved it and plan to keep it in the rotation for a meatless meal.  When looking through the cookbook there were lots of recipes that had less then 8 ingredients which is a plus and rarely was there a recipe in which you would not find all the ingredients at the local supermarket.  Also, I found a lot of recipes in here that I could use the veggies from my garden in it which is always a plus.  My only complaint about this book, and others but the same publisher, is that there is no nutritional information.  Yet, all my lazy ass needs to do is go and plug the recipe into My Fitness Pal and I would have it instantly.  I would rate this book a 4 1/2 out of 5 stars.  So if you are looking for adding some vegetarian options into your meal selections this is the book for you.

A few days ago online I saw some of my twitter peeps talking about this Project 137.  I looked into and I was sold.  It was a 137 day project in which you spend time everyday reflecting on your life and your day.  The goal is to be more accepting of the life you are living and getting the most out of your life.  The premise behind is to live as though at the end of the 137 days you have made peace with your life. It just happens that 137 days from the start date is Dec 31st.  We were asked to donate to the medical fund for the founders husband who is fighting a major illness.  Every day there are three things to reflect on.  You can post your thoughts or reflect privately on your own.  There is a Facebook page too but I decided that this is a project for me and that I am doing most of my reflecting in a spiffy new journal that I bought a few weeks ago with no specific purpose, I just saw it and had to have it.  Funny how stuff works out like that.  So far I am loving this project and would suggest that everyone check it out.  I doubt there of many of us that could use taking a little time everyday to reflect on your day and your life in a positive manner.  Go and check it out people http://www.37days.com/2012/08/project-137.html 

Hello Everyone-Not only is the tip of my tail white, my paws are too

Mom getting her puppy love

Working on looking small and round

This is his....I did something wrong but still love me face

I have always struggled my whole life feeling like I am not one of the cool kids.  I am sure a lot of you, especially those of you who struggle with your weight have felt this too.  I am always doubting, and have been since I was a kid, if I fit in.  Now almost 15 years later I can look back and high school and go.....what was I worried about.  I had friends, good friends.  I had lots of acquaintances, I did lots of activities.  Hell I was class president and the friggin prom queen (I plus sized prom queen, but queen never the less).  Spending my life in high school I know you don't get to be class president or prom queen because you are a social outcast that everyone hates.  Yet, I always worried if so and so liked me (both boys and girls),  I still sometimes feel that way now.


I joke, but sadly it isn't a joke, my high school is like high school all over again.  The adults are very clique.  It is like there is a cool kids club.  Individually all of these people are amazing and wonderful people and would never in a moment every think to exclude people or make them feel left out....it is just something that naturally happens.  Then add to that someone who is ultra sensitive like me...it makes me feel like I am in fucking high school all over again.  For me this has been a struggle.  Since Chics don't do history.....with the exception of one girl my immediate 13 coworkers are all male.  So I get left out a lot of their activities (and i am being honest i have no desire to play golf, drink beer, or bowl....ever) but then there is another group.  A group in which I am friends with almost everyone individually, but never feel like an insider.  It isn't something malicious, it just happens.  I have a busy life, I have two kids, a husband who on occasion suffers from depression, and I am involved in a lot of school stuff.  Most days I don't care about not being included in inside jokes or missed invites.  Yet, other times I care a lot.  Recently something happened (nothing bad just a small thing) that made me feel like I wasn't a cool kid, that I was an outsider.  I hate that feeling and I know if the people I worked with every knew that their actions made me or anyone else feel bad they would be devastated....they are not mean people they are just the adults who were the cool kids in high school who never knew what it was like to be the outsider-they don't know what one small inside joke can make a person feel so left out.


I know I shouldn't feel this way because just as in high school I am well liked and have great friends at my job.  Some of these cool kids are in that group.  More than that I have my mommy friends.  My girl friends who are like me.....surfing on the outside of the cool kids not necessarily wanting to be part of the group, but not liking being left out either.  Maybe what I need to realize is what I did 15 years too late about high school.  I don't need to be part of the cool kid group...in fact those people aren't the ones I liked spending time with....the people I enjoyed are the other people standing around outside the cool kid group who are the best.  Those were my friends in high school and maybe I need to do what I never did in High school which is to say Fuck it-I don't ever need to fit in because none of those people who matter-who matters is my family and those friends who really know me and care-Those who I have inside jokes with, the ones I take swimming lessons with in the summer, those who call me to tell me about embarrassing moments at puppy class because I would understand.  Those are the folks that are important.  Those are who matter.....not the cool kids who in reality aren't as cool as I think they are!

Although I did better this week and managed to loose almost all the weight I put on during vacation, I am still stuck at 217/218 depending on if I went pee prior to getting on the scale.  I guess I should be happy with that but of course I am not.  I want to be 150 pounds yesterday!  It is hard though trying to figure out how to get healthy but not be obsessed.  I sort of have no middle ground.  I am either eating like a beast or going crazy over calories or points.  I guess I can say maybe I am in the middle ground...I have not counted a point or calorie in two months and have stayed at exactly the same weight.  I have been recording my food more which I think is important and have been trying to up the exercise. I realized that I need to stop using my kids or hubs as an excuse not to exercise when in all honest I could exercise if I really wanted to....hello DVD player!!  So there it is....my goal is still to be as close to 210 for the start of school in four weeks but still trying not to get too wrapped up in it and enjoy my vacation.  


On a good note though I got confirmation from the University of New England and somehow the professor never got my course but the University received it.  So...they took it via email and it should be graded by the end of the week so provided I get my ass in gear I should be all set to go for a salary advance which should help with my forever freak out about money!!  How is everyone else doing?  How are you fairing with weight loss or life in general?

Wee One 2-Looking for boats

Hello Mommy I see you-Notice they are backwards so she can see someone very small

Looking out at the lake

One of Wee One 1's legs...this is them looking good they were 5 times this size earlier in the day

Papa Hunt agreeing again to take another photo

Self portrait

Me and Papa Hunt at Chapel Pond

Chapel Pond

And she is spent!!!!

I do plan to do a proper post on our vacation some time this week but I have been a wee stressed lately. While on vacation my oldest somehow got attacked by killer mosquitoes and we had to go to see a doctor up in the wilderness which was a special treat...not to mention my wee guy was so sad.  Then the day we are leaving to go home I notice that my other wee one has what appears to be a viral rash.  So off to the doctor we go on Friday.  Nothing treatable just something viral.  Then starting last night she has the poops.  So sad which makes her a sad little panda.  Add to this I recently ordered my transcripts for a salary advance at my job...and noticed that one of my courses was listed as an F because I never turned the course in.  Well I hit the fucking panic switch not only had a paid 400 dollars to take the course, and spent a shit load of time doing it, I would not have to complete not two but three online courses this summer.  Holy shit.  Now I love the hubs but he is not one to say "Hey babe you have school work to do why don't you run off to start bucks or the library and I will watch the kids all day" not his bag.  So that means I am looking at three online graduate courses to complete during nap time and while the kids are in bed.  Awesome.  Needless to say my face has exploded and I am I may kill someone for a ho-ho.

Only kidding....sort of

As of today I am recommitting to journal and exercising (although going the gym with the baby with the shits isn't happening) I want to be under 210 pounds by the start of school.  That will take a lot of hard work but will also put my at my thinnest pre-baby number two.  I don't think I need to go crazy and start counting calories or weight watchers or things like that.  I just need to be more honest about my exercise, food consumption, and water.  I am also hoping to post a bit more.  I always want to post then go....oh it will take to long.  Hell this post only took me five minutes.  So that is where I am at...how is the bloggy world doing?

So for over a month now I have been broken up with weight watchers.  My weight has gone up a bit and down a bit but has stayed relatively the same.  I was so scared that if i stopped weight watchers if I stopped obsessing about calories, if I stopped being obsessed with my food in take and exercise that I would clearly balloon up 40 pounds instantly.  Am I happy that I haven't lost any weight in six weeks, well hells yes.  Yet, in the spirit of honest I am not really trying.  I am getting used to trusting myself.  Learning to be ok where I am.  At some level that is a lesson I need to learn.  That I am beautiful now at over 200 pounds just as I was when I was 160.  That I can't spend my life wishing I was a number on the scale or a size in clothes.  I know the truth, I wasn't happy when I was a size 10 and 160 pounds I wanted more-I know that the first step to really being happy is being happy as I am.  The next step is working on healthy.  For me that is eating cleaner (cutting the shit food out and focusing on healthy natural foods) and exercising on a regular basis.  I want to use the summer to create some better habits to head into this school year.  I had really wanted to be heading out of the 200 for when school starts, but if I can learn to enjoy my life as I am now, enjoy my time with my babies, and begin to set a great example for them...in reality that is more important them some stupid ass number on the scale.  I am not saying that 200+ pounds is healthy...its not.  But what is more unhealthy is always being obsessed with food and weight.  So here I am standing still and that is ok.  I did weight watchers, I did obsessive clean eating, I did counting calories and for August 1, 2011-to now I have gotten to about 7 pounds lighter than I am now...the difference I am not beating myself up with every "choice" I make.  Kelly over at http://www.curvyfitgirl.com/ mentioned what she was not willing to give up in her journey.  I said I could never give up coffee....but for me I have realized it is not what I won't give up as much as what I need to give up....What I need to give up is the obsession that has run my life for as long as I know.  The quest to be something other than what I am right now.  That needs to go...the weight that will come off in time.  I have to trust with modifying my eating habits slowly but surely, exercising regularly, and finding a happy balance in life will ultimately lead to a thinner me...but for now I need to be ok holding still.